Monday, January 28, 2013

Archer - Luke This

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

"The Wind Cries Mary" (S04E02):
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

So we're in the middle of the most boring staff meeting ever when Mother schedules the yearly 'peer review time' that everyone hates.  Pam gets to pair us up for lame feedback, like that could ever help.  But the bombshell news, Lucas Troy, my former bestie, is dead. In between everyone's 'gay' comments, I finally got the story of how he supposedly turned traitor and died in an attempt to steal uranium and $10 million. After Ray confirmed Luke was NOT GAY, I had to go home to "corral the lemur Woodhouse let out." Pam started harassing our new guy nanny Rodney, when Lana actually pays attention for two seconds and realizes I faked the lemur thing and went to help out Luke, who is still awesome by the way...

Lana and Cyril follow me to Vermont doing a peer review the entire way. Ha! Losers. Luke and I got smashed while he tried to sell me on his... bread and breakfast idea? Dude sounded crazy. Didn't even care about clearing his name and finding the mole who framed him. As I was getting to bottom of things, Lana and Cyril trip one of Luke's perimeter alarms.  Luke confesses his singular gay love for me and actually committing treason and murder... and then drugged me.
FX Network
Pam spills the beans while complaining about nobody doing peer reviews, and Mother freaks out... big surprise.  Meanwhile, Luke toys with Lana and a underwear-clad Cyril in the freezing snow.  The drug wears off and I head off after Luke.  Lana sets a naked-Cyril trap and drops a massive tree on Luke. I get there just in time to hear ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IMPORTANT. Luke's final confession WAS NOTHING GAY ABOUT HIM AND ME ON A MISSION IN CUBA. NOTHING AT ALL.

PS: Jimmy Hendrix rules and you know it.
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