"20 Killable Characters?"

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

so today's topic stems from today's news. One of the first things I read this morning was "Top 20 Sitcom Characters You'd Kill in Real Life." And I must say that I severely disagree. We must have very different opinions on personas, the other blog writer and I. I'm going to argue why I wouldn't kill the character, rather than nitpick on why the other writer would.

20. Frasier Crane. Awesome guy to have around in real life. He knows EVERYTHING. Definitely worth a phone-a-friend slot on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

19. Joey Gladstone. While I wouldn't want to moocher living in my home for an extended period of time, he's pretty darn funny. The common sense, notsomuch, but I'm not worried about him diapering my imaginary baby with paper towels and ziplocs, so no worries.

18. Larry David. I've never seen Curb Your Enthusiasm, and I don't even know when it was on (is it still??), so no comment.

17. Cosmo Kramer. clearly the blogwriter has no spontaneous friends in his life. I love the craziness of people like my friend Joe, and their unexpected popping in and continual "great ideas" are something to be admired.

16. Marie Barone. I'm gonna agree here. The woman has no redeeming qualities. Hell, when she wanted more grandchildren, she bought her son wine and silk boxers, and gave his wife romantic CDs! Does pushy get much worse?

15. Archie Bunker. Agreed again. I can't stand his closed-minded bullsh!t. It drives me insane. In fact, I tried to get into this show at one point when it was big on Nick-at-Nite, but it just wasn't happening. Bigotry blows.

14. Carlton Banks. I think he's quirky. I also love perfectionists. I can relate to the idea of "all-nighters" in high school. He doesn't strike me as incredibly annoying, especially when you consider his stupid jokes ended after the first season, and became much more bearable.

13. Roseanne Connor. Sure, she's foul-mouthed. And I don't know that I'd want her as my mother. But I don't think that she's a bad person, and while I'd much rather have Jackie as a friend, I don't know that she'd truly "annoy" me.

12. Cindy Brady. Little sisters can be annoying, but Cindy never had any real storylines of her own (what, the tonsils thing? losing Kitty Cariole? the see-saw record with Bobby? what else was there?), so she really didn't have a major role. In a real-life scenario, there's not much harm in having a baby sister when there are already enough siblings to make you miserable from time to time.

11. Sheldon Cooper. I still have not seen even one minute of The Big Bang Theory, so I can't comment.

10. Phoebe Buffay. What? seriously? I'd love to have her as a daily plant in my life! I love to hear about the lives of those who grew up in crazy-different backgrounds. I love the unconventional hairstyles and clothing choices she had. Please, pour me a mocha and sit me on the couch, there's no way I'd off Phoebe.

9. Michael Scott. He's from the office, and I'm guessing he's Steve Carell's character. But I still don't know a thing about him.

8. Kimmy Gibbler. hmmm. now this is a toughie. She was pretty annoying on the show, and if she was my friend/neighbor in real life, I'm pretty sure it would drive me mad. Especially when you consider the crazy things that her family did, that would annoy anyone in a mile radius!

7. Lucy Ricardo. See here's the thing... yeah, she was a pretty big ditz, but women weren't portrayed as the pinnacle of intelligence at that time anyway. Either way, she was whiny, and I don't deal with that. agree.

6. Fred G. Sanford. he's a really mean old man. a codger, even. but it's not like he leaves his house much, so he doesn't have a lost of opportunities to bother you. No killings.

5. Steve Urkel. Yeah, I could see how he could get on absolutely every last nerve, but death is not an appropriate sentence. Lock your doors, hide your daughters, and call it a day.

4. The Janitor. I don't do Scrubs.

3. Screech Powers. It sure is handy to have a friend who can concoct devices in the blink of an eye with very little to work with. It's also great to have a scapegoat who can pull the wool over the Principal's eyes. the only downside that's coming to mind? he can't keep a secret. but neither can several of my friends. so don't keep them filled in and you're good to go.

2. Fran Fine. this is a tricky one. She had a unique sense of mind. A flirty nature. An eccentric mother. A nasally voice. A tacky wardrobe. A skewed view of life. I think she's very "take it or leave it," since there's nothing that sets her apart on either end of the spectrum... she's just balanced out in the middle, plain as day.

1. Gilligan. In my world, I don't live on a deserted island ninety minutes from the nearest bit of civilization. So the buffoon's charm at foiling escape plans isn't as problematic for me. However, he does sort of embody a kind of immature nuisance that I don't know I'd want to deal with forever...

Overall, I disagree with this list a LOT. Who would I kill, you ask? Well, I'd start off with Taub from House, MD, because he's useless, spineless, and boring. Cheryl from 7th Heaven, she was dumb and had no ambition. Plus, she stopped Matt from being with nicer, prettier girls. And there's Beverly Hills, 90210, definitely Valerie Malone, hands down. I hated her from like the second episode she was in, and I really tried to like her, since I was a big Tiffani Amber-Thiessen fan in the 90s. What an evil, sinister girl. And to finish off the list, all four girls from Sex and the City: Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. That show's attitude alone just kills me.