Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Archer - Bloody Ferlin... with electric bum fights

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Bloody Ferlin" (S03E09):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Ok, so I'm teaching Lana what sarcasm means while trying to stop burglars who have gotten into the armory so we're a bit out 'gundammed.' (Gundam Wing was an AWESOME game, right?! kiddies: educate yourself) It turns out to be Ray climbing a ladder... that lying bastard was NEVER paralyzed at ALL! Lying for 6 MONTHS! Anyway, he was in the armory stocking up because his drug-growing brother, Randy, is getting targeted by a crooked sheriff in his hometown. Blah blah blah, it sounds like White Lightning so I'm in. Lana wants to come too, but there's no way she can play Ray's wife in WEST VIRGINIA... cause, ya know... she's huge.

Of course, Mother is going crazy from the 'non-break-in,' just assuming it's Krieger's ultimate bum shock fights (yes, you should try that at home...), but somehow Lana manages to stall. I've gone to West Virgina with Ray, with Cheryl playing his wife. (Ray's last name is Gillette! like GILL-it, wtf?) The bat-nutz sheriff cuts us off,
creepily grills us, and tells us not to stay long. While I'm here in 'the sh!ttier parts of Chernobyl,' as Cheryl called it, the other ISIS bums are in the women's bathroom talking about our war on the war on drugs. The bums! Anyway, so we get to Ray's childhood home of a double-wide trailer only to be greeted by a shotgun and a MINE FIELD... but the girl's smokin' hot... and made pot pie.

Ray's brother tells us about... something, but Janelle's pie was gooooooooooooood, moist and hot. (oh yeah, Ray's cover job to his family is an interior decorator... wow...) Lana is still covering with Mother, but TELLING everyone else... worthless. Anyway, Ray's brother is a massive homophobe and shows us his government farm-subsidized grow house full of pot. After my 4th thoughts about this mission, I snuck off for fifth thoughts with Janelle, but Randy caught us. But great news! They follow Genesis 31:8 and have an open marriage, and I can have sex with Janelle if I distract Ray so Randy can have sex with Cheryl. (oh yeah, Krieger helps us cover with Mother since Lana convinced Pam to enter his ultimate bum shock fights.) Ray doesn't buy Randy's plan because he's trying to sleep (with what he thinks is his current wife), and goes to stop him. He screws up everything... and Cheryl can't shave chickens worth crap.

Ok, so Thank God I was there. Ray almost blurted out he was a secret agent. After Ray and Randy mended... I don't think they have fences in West Virginia... they made up, and then the dirty sheriff showed up. So Ray passionately locks and loads to defend his 'racist homophobic wife-swapping drug dealing/farming brother,' while I downed a sweet mason jar of moonshine (d@mn good stuff by the way...). Apparently, it's possible to drink too much, so I just watched. The sheriff said something about giving Randy loads of chances to stop drug dealing, etc., then Ray knocked him out and we surrendered.

That good-for-nothing Pam spills the entire story to Mother before we're even back! Anyway, Randy and wife go to jail for life, we talk our way out of things, and Ray gets the fairy sheriff's number... but I'm still drunk!
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