Friday, February 17, 2012

Archer - "Lo Scandalo"... with meatballs

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Lo Scandalo" (S03E08):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Jesus, today sucked. My mom called and dragged Lana and I over to her place where we found a guy wearing a full-body latex suit shot three times in the chest. Seriously, has anyone else had anything remotely close to this happen with their mother? No, no chance in hell. Blah, blah, blah through the bullsh!t excuses of how she DIDN'T shoot him (and apparently the latex thing is a zentai... or something). Thank God we had alcohol. Ok, so Italy doesn't use a king and apparently the dead guy was the Prime Minister of Italy.  Anyway, the point was, he was getting sexually violated in a seatless chair in my mother's room... WHY!
Never in my life have I seen things in a dead prime minister's @$$... Apparently, Mother was stationed in Italy, yeah, yeah, yeah, started a once-a-year affair with the dead, rectally-impaled, murdered dude. Somehow, this freak keeps escalating these sex-capades and we end up here: death by rubber eggplant...and I'm not even drunk yet. Of course, Mother recounts this fantastic story of the PM getting all ready for this freak show, and then being murdered by three masked men. I kept expecting sex under a hive of Afrianicanized bees to be next in the story, but sadly it never came. Mother fired back at the men, and that was it.  So I set about creating the cover story; that is, of course, the way to go. For some reason, Mother had an issue with me punching her in the face to add to the cover story.

SOMEHOW, we got into an argument over whether or not to trash the place and make it look like self-defense. And then BAM: spaghetti and meatball craving... like no other. So Lana and I are in the kitchen making this amazing snack with no one who knows how to make sauce (wtf?), and Mother is still refusing to be cooperative; sometimes you need to accept the fact that your apartment and all your possessions need to be burned, that's life. And, above all, she RUINED the garlic bread! Oh yeah, and she was shot earlier and still not letting anyone look at it. All ideas for getting rid of the dead body were being shot down, and talking about it was ruining my snack.

So after reviewing how Mother hates the Irish for not fighting on our side in World War II, she wants us to CHOP UP THE BODY. For once, Lana and I agreed on something: NO, and mother started crying. Screw this noise, I called Kreger and made him do it. And he fixed the sauce recipe! A potato, who knew? Somehow the other 3 nimrods from the office show up, and we finally hear Kreger's plan to have everyone carry out and dispose of a piece of the body. OK, fine. So we're in the kitchen fending off questions and letting Kreger have fun playing with the body when the 5-0 shows up, and we don't have enough sauce for everyone!

The cop is Irish... great. Mother will love that. Anyway, someone tipped him off to the murder, but we were prepared, looking perfectly proper like we were at a dinner party. He snoops around the apartment while Mother still can't convince Lana to pull her weight and shoot the cop in case he runs across Kreger. He leaves, we leave, then Lana starts in on a crazy theory that Mother set this entire thing up... a plot to kill her strange lover, create an alibi with the cops, and convince US to dispose of the body...  Crazy right? Crazy...

Memorable lines:
Archer: "...just the crime of murder, not the crime of s0d0my by rubber eggplant..."
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