Suburgatory: Scott & Tessa...

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

Finally, this show is getting back to its premise: George is terrified that his little Tessa is going to have sex. And, now that she's sixteen, it seems that she's more likely than ever to drop "virgin" from her dossier. Of course, Lisa really is the one driving everything... not only were the (second set of) condoms hers, but she also acts as if a website really can tell a person when s/he's ready to have sex. I understand the hilarity of this, since Lisa is the least likely character on the show to be getting busy, but I don't quite know why George just can't stop freaking out. Either his daughter is lying to him and she's having sex, or she's telling the truth and is still just "on base." What's his goal, exactly? To get Tessa to promise that she'll remain a virgin for another few years? To get Tessa to confide in him the way Rory talked to Lorelai about sex? It's clear he doesn't want to be "in the dark" (which is how Dallas seems to treat the situation with Dalia), but Noah really needs to hit home the point that George needs to be reasonable. But, I guess this is going to be a non-issue for a while, since Scott and Tessa broke up.

Suburgatory "Sex and the Suburbs" (S01E13): [Was Scott inside the school dropping off Tessa or something? what else would he be doing there? ugh, and what an ugly suitcase Dalia was pulling!] George tells Noah that he doesn't want Tessa to use sex as a recreational hobby, which only leads Dallas and Noah to suggest that George teach Tessa about different sex types and positions. [whoa, whoa, whoa. this was a bit much, no? Are we to believe that parents (other than Dallas) tell their kids about different sex positions??] Well, George decides to get the scoop from Lisa and Malik, inviting them over for an old-fashioned board game night. Tessa was supposed to be there, too, but since she and Scott have plans (dinner and fro-yo), it's just the three of them. George asks them what kids do on dates, and Lisa mentions talking and dancing and eating cheese, and Malik talks about making out... and reveals that he's kinda into Lisa. [I totally don't see this going anywhere soon... thought I could imagine the scenario freaking out Sheila!] Then, George gets awkward by asking what age kids have sex these days, and Lisa tells him that there's a calculator on the internet to tell you, based on your height, weight, hair length, and zip code. George goes online and it tells him Tessa's lose-your-virginity age is 16, so he tries to change the hair length, figuring that a haircut might solve his problem. [is anyone else completely shocked that George went and checked it out semi-seriously? also, Tessa is allegedly 5'4" and 110 pounds.]

George tries to talk to Tessa about sex, but he keeps chickening out. Finally, as she's getting ready to spend the night at Lisa's, George gets up the nerve to show Tessa the box of condoms that he found in her room. She yells at him for invasion of privacy. [just like every teenager does.] He tells her that casual sex is bad, but Tessa really just storms out. Over at Lisa's, Tessa decides that she might fake a pregnancy to get back at her dad, so the next morning at the club's Sunday Brunch, Tessa starts the "I'm hungry from all the sex I've been having... or maybe I'm eating for two. I'm thinking Xavier if it's a boy... or a girl." George doesn't get much chance to respond, since Tessa heads off to the gym with Dallas, walking her through her thought process on being with Scott. Well, she realizes that she and Scott have nothing in common. [if all the kid ever foes is talk about Zambian culture, I can't blame her! plus, it became clear that Tessa is only with Scott as a revenge of sorts when she demands a big kiss from him when she sees Dalia and her friends.] She goes to break up with him, but he's got a goat ready to present to George so that he can "officially court" her. He then invites her to lay with him in a tent in the backyard, and she's skeptical. Meanwhile, the weird girl from the club, Jocelyn, comes over to George's and they end up making out. [WHY??!? Why would George do that?!? he's in for a world of trouble now!]

Another storyline was going on throughout this, involving Dallas and her family. While passing off some clothes to a pick-up dry cleaner, Dallas finds a pair of M/L panties in with her husband's pants... she's not thrilled that he's with a "larger girl." [haha.] Dallas talks out the problem, but is caught for a moment when she's asked how big the problem really is... her husband is still an excellent provider. [not in love with the way Dallas thinks, but I LOVED Dallas's dress at the end! no idea where I'd wear it tho.] Soon, Dalia asks Dallas if she's getting divorced, then goes and brags about it to her friends... since she'll get double the stuff. [horrifying....ly funny.]

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