Archer Vice - Aren't We All Just Drug-Addicted Ants?

Archer Vice "A Debt of Honor" (S05E3): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

2,000 pounds of cocaine (minus whatever we lost in Miami) plus the million in fake bills ain't bad... which is what I was trying to tell Mother when Ron chimed in about... something, cars maybe. Cyril had the genius idea to buy a bunch of guns with the fake money, which actually wasn't a bad idea because the FBI seized all of ours and Lana and I had both been stealing bullets from work.

Turns out, ISIS had pissed off anyone we might do business with to buy guns. Drunk, naked Ray was still coaching Cheryl on being a famous country music singer. Oh yeah, and Pam bought a million dollars of amphetamines from the Yakuza, who obviously came after us when they discovered the money was fake.

After arguing over what to do with the Yakuza, Cheryl walks in and makes it worse by attempting to negotiate with them. The one useful thing she did do was show us to the massive old weapons collection in the house. Ron refused a gun to help out with the shooting, and then got shot. Ha! Turns out, Cheryl's great-great-great-uncle built loads of underground tunnels searching for runaway slaves to sell back to their... you know what, let's just call her family insane and move on.

Copyright 2014, FX Networks. All rights reserved.

I devised a plan to split into groups and get Ron out through one of the tunnels while I staged a distraction through a tunnel near the front of the house. Ron was being a real baby about it. Hell, I've been shot 26 times... that's a lot of lead. Mother and Lana had some mother-to-mother time while I snuck into the limo of the Yakuza leader. I gracefully (using a very loud gun) negotiated a deal where he forgave Pam's honor debt, but we had to give him $5 million in coke.

And Woodhouse really spent a lot of time in the old timey gym... dude better be getting buff.

Archer - Coke Casts are a Bad Idea

Archer "Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying" (S05E02): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

The stupid government seized my penthouse, as it was apparently owned by freaking ISIS! I was forced to live with everyone else (except Mother, who knew everyone's assets were in danger and protected herself) in this strange Addams Family house. Mother somehow arranged a deal for 20kg of our cocaine in Miami so Lana, Pam, and I had to go down there and sell it. Krieger made the cocaine look like a full-body cast, which Pam looked way nervous wearing.

With Cyril acting as our lawyer/money laundering CPA, what could go wrong? Pam sawed off her casts as I kept Lana from freaking out over this silly drug deal. Just as I explained how we were the A-Team meets Scarface, I catch Pam eating her coke-casts! She knocks me out against the bathroom wall. I can't fight that, let alone that on coke.

Copyright 2014, FX Networks. All rights reserved.

Lana and coke-strong Pam took me to an old friend, Ramon, who we did a mission with a while back. He fixed me up and explained the buyers... or rather, didn't. They turn out to be hitmen whom we've dealt with in the past, and they totally screw us, taking the money and the coke. Lana pulled the pregnant card when we were gearing up to go after them, so she waited in the car with still coked-up Pam. Apparently, the hitmen had already sent the coke off to someone but still had the money. Ramon got into a shootout with them and everyone shot each other. Lana came in to 'rescue' me needlessly... and saw nothing.

Back at the house of Lurch, we discovered the money is fake and Lana thought the three gay guys set me up... Nah. They're dead.

Archer - Dr. Bunsen...

Archer "White Elephant" (S05E1): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

It was THE best morning at ISIS ever... and then it blew up, literally. Oh yeah, it was Mother's birthday. After the explosion, storm ninjas showed up and engaged us in a massive fire fight. Brett died before he could remind me of the name of Beaker's assistant... Turns out the storm ninjas were FBI agents who are really bad at their jobs.

Copyright 2013, FX Network. All rights reserved.

Apparently, Mother had been lying about ISIS being sanctioned by the US government, which meant we were all under arrest for treason. After Cheryl insisted she be tazed on the way to being arrested, Mother seemed to have a way out until the entire team spilled their guts and Lana and I had to escape, even though she took my 'weird looking vagina comment' personally. Lana claimed she was leaving for good so I did the noble thing and suggested we get married, which she somehow refused. 

Lana and I break everyone out but get stopped at Mother's cell as she signs away any future for ISIS in a deal to not go to prison. Back at our now-former headquarters, everyone talks about their new careers, I think. Not sure, I was drinking. I daftly point out that we still have, literally, one ton of cocaine to get rid of, and envision the future of.... ARCHER VICE! Dun dun dun! Yep, startin' a cartel...

Archer - Under the Sea... legs. 2.

Archer "Sea Tunt: Part 2" (S04E13): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Where the hell were we? Oh yeah, this psycho under the sea plans to launch nerve gas at U.S. cities, and I'm not drunk enough for this. So this Anderson Cooper-looking bastard wouldn't shut up about... ecological something. Anyway, Lana and Mother chew out Cecil and the pilot and learn the crazy man has like 40 guys with him! 

I mastermind a plan to go into the sea lab as a camera crew, stealing Ray's mustache to see if he looks gayer. Nope. So sending the four of us spies down in the DSV, Ray breaks his nose and Lana is totally unprepared with no tampons... somehow. Cheryl's still freaking out over the 'brother trying to commit her to get at her inheritance' thing. Thank goodness I commandeered all the booze from the chopper. I only had something light though, because it was my first time driving a DSV. Lana kept throwing up and wouldn't drink ANYTHING, not even to stem her... moodiness.

FX Network

After getting our legends straight with these numbskulls, I dock the DSV with the sea lab. Mother and the bums on the boat began drinking chemicals and arguing over the inheritance wasted on the sea lab while we faux film the eco-psycho's demands, including a ban on ALL fishing. ALL FISHING! Turns out the douche has been down here alone for like 3 years. He attacked Lana, I pulled a gun, something something, and then there's a hole in the glass ceiling.

As the sea lab is flooding, the eco-nut gets us safely to a break room and then gets smashed by an off-brand drink machine. Luckily, there's scuba gear in the break room, but only 3 sets. Lana drops the preggers bomb (5 weeks!) on us and I honorably insist the mother-to-be take my suit. The plan is to restart my heart on the DSV within 2 minutes. Lana drags me through the water... why Lana? She had to be the weakest swimmer after me... Anyway, the 3 numbskulls managed to restart my heart with a defibrillator. I cheated death and brain damage... but accidentally fried the chip that controls Ray's leg. Oh well, he still looks gayer than ever.

Archer - Tunting Kidding Me...

Archer "Sea Tunt I" (S04E12): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Of course Mother is dramatically introducing some amazing news about... something... but Bermuda is great by the way. Long story long, her master plan is to recover a hydrogen bomb from a crashed B-2 bomber and sell it back to the US government. Resting at 13,033 fathoms deep (not sure how I'm the only person in the room to know this...), we're racing the Russians and apparently have to 'steam' there faster.

Cheryl's brother Cecil happens in (why the hell is he here anyway?) and he has a submersible lab, an island, and a helicopter. Cecil is gracious enough to fly on his helicopter to his research vehicle to get moving on the bomb recovery. I make very good use of the bar to make long island iced teas, and make fun of Lana about... well, everything. Cecil kept his girlfriend, Tiffy, under control from Cheryl's taunting. Then, Cecil questions the crap out of Mother about Cheryl... while I kept drinking.

The drinks had morphed from fuzzy navels to hairy navels as Cecil kept wandering around asking everyone questions... strange dude. He even questioned Pam through her rampage of the soy seafood buffet. Cheryl has been watching Cecil from some video monitoring room that is recording everything... So... Cheryl goes nuts and tries to take over the cockpit from Tiffy. Pam's swelling from her soy allergy finally gets bad enough to send her rolling around on the floor. 

FX Network

Cecil comes clean about the plan to steal Cheryl's inheritance... and about the madman who took over his underwater lab and plans to send missiles to major US cities loaded with VX nerve gas... man this guy's a tool.

Archer - Papal Tail of the Dragon...

Archer "The Papal Chase" (S04E11): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

ISIS was a freaking mess as Mother was preparing for... something. The Vatican calls in need of agents to prevent an assassination. Because she couldn't send Lana [black] or Ray [flaming] or Cyril [afraid of anything Churchy?], I was the obvious choice. Somehow, Pam, Lana, I, AND Woodhouse ended up going on the mission...

Just great... I end up in Rome with no Italian skills, relying on Pam and a high-as-hell Woodhouse. Luckily, Lana unknowingly walked a bag of heroine through security. After nearly killing the Pope, we make the swap, but forgot all the weapons in the hotel room, so when the bad guys show up the entire group makes a run for it. Pam keeps falling into Woodhouse and getting stuck with his drug needles... when did he become such an addict?

I find a Fiat-looking micro car and get us away from the shooting mob of Swiss guards, but Pam and I get into a slap fight after she insisted on driving. We determine that the cardinal is really behind the assassination, and not the Swiss guard. Lana takes the wheel and I jump to the other car and shove a flare into the gas tank, saving the day and the mission, again. Apparently, ISIS has a reputation for blowing it, which the Cardinal was counting on. And wouldn't you know it, Pam marches right home and tells Mother... snitch.

FX Network

Archer - Huge Freakin' Dog

Archer "Un Chien Tangerine" (S04E10): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Like any good story, this one starts naked in bed. Morocco is great... I think. I was insanely drunk and don't really remember, but we were there to extract an agent who wouldn't activate his GPS beacon.

I do an awesome job losing a tail right after Lana interrupts an awesome conversation about opossum and prehensile tails. We get to the agent's location and a huge, gun-hating dog... who turns out to be Kazak, our agent. Mother ignored Lana's phone call, so we get to take the dog with us. For some reason, the tic-tacs I feed him gave him gas.

FX Network

Pam decides to become a field agent and took the IFAAB - ISIS Field Agent Aptitude Battery. Her perfect score didn't convince Mother. But oddly enough, Lana bailed in the middle of the desert after we couldn't ride the hovercraft out of the country and had to drive across the desert. I was sad too, but that's no reason to quit on me, and our new, massive, canine friend.

After a serious talk with Kazak, I turned around to go get Lana and called Mother to move the extraction point to my cell signal. Kazak saves Lana from some bad guys who picked her up and we get the microfilm he was carrying. I need to work with huge dogs more often.

Archer - Both Columns

Archer "The Honeymooners" (S04E09): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Lana had some issues getting into character as my shiny new bride while undercover going after some uranium... her butt is getting massive by the way. Pam got to torture Cyril about us staying in the honeymoon suite alone together, so totally worth it right off the bat...

While Cheryl tried to convince Pam and Cyril to swing by the zoo for tranquilizers on the way to spy on us, Lana was being a stick in the mud and wouldn't help order room service. PS: The room rocks... hot tub in one corner and a wall-sized aquarium opposite it, but no, Lana kept focused on that 'nation-state equivalent of the short bus.' (We all know what country I mean...) Mother started flipping out because the charge for the room went on her credit card, which I stole.

FX Network

Lana was so impatient she went and tried to climb the outside of the building without me... but then, I got my bonus... my little bonus. I rushed out and climbed up the side of the hotel to catch Lana because she wouldn't freakin' check her bonus on her phone, and guess what: she got a DOUBLE BONUS, mine included. Mother is a vindictive psycho, because then she also put her agent in charge.

Moving on... Cheryl, Pam, and Cyril crash in a room with a view of all our action, as we then get tied up in the North Koreans' room. I save Lana's life for the second time in 10 minutes, and eventually Cyril shows up and creates a lot of smoke in their room somehow. Seriously, I have no idea where the smoke came from! Mission completed, but then Mother takes both our bonuses to pay the hotel bill because Cheryl won't use her amazing owner powers to make it disappear.  And we didn't even catch the madman with the uranium... yea for Lana in charge! Not.

Archer - Coyote Who?

Archer "Coyote Lovely" (S04E08): 

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Yeah yeah, I'm behind on my diary entries... but who can keep up with writing when there's an abundance of liquor to be consumed? Anyway, I'll try to recount my awesomeness posthaste so you have something to look forward to in life...

So there we were, capturing Moreno (the most infamous illegal smuggler on the border) with Lana and Cyril, laying in scorpion piss in Texas when Lana intentionally hurts my feelings. Of course, I saved the day along with Lana and Cyril's lives via some perfect sniper shots, when Moreno turns out to be a smokin' brunette.

Apparently, Moreno knew we were with ISIS. Anyway, so I accidentally knocked out Lana and purposely shot Cyril to continue to build my relationship with Moreno, which meant taking all the illegals she was shepherding across the border with us.  On the plus side, Mother was having a helluva time finding me.

FX Network

Moreno started worrying about getting caught by the border patrol...which we did. They shot me twice, but then we had to bring them along because it was the middle of nowhere. I kissed Moreno though, so totally worth it. At least Mother was yelling at Lana for not babysitting me. After surgery by an unlicensed vet to pull out the bullets, the border patrol air-lifts me out. Moreno slips me a note that explains she's a fake and how Mother paid her to clear us out of the way for the real Moreno's new, massive operation. Can't win em all...

Archer - Yes, Boom! Bumper.

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Archer - Bitten, and yet...

Archer "Once Bitten" (S04E06):
 
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

I'm on rat patrol with a .50 caliber machine gun while Cyril and Ray dig the jeep out of the sand. After negoitiating my toilet paper usage in/of/with hundreds, I get to finally take a dump and I get bitten by a cobra... there's no way Cyril is right this much in a God-fearing country.

Back at ISIS headquarters, Mother and Lana are arguing over her NOT going to Turkmenistan... and their insanely valuable pipeline that runs through it. Pam gets to add Lana's protest to the newsletter or whatever.... Anyway, no one will suck the poison out, and then Ray Ray drinks half my flask as I'm puking. Ray finally remembers he has bionic legs, and then lifts WITH HIS BACK. Cyril won't give me my gun to kill them both.... the bastard.

FX Network

At headquarters, Mother has Krieger sick satellites on us as Lana catches them. Anyway, Cyril won't call for an extraction because he's insecure. Ray makes him feel bad, while I still profess the aligator I was seeing aren't an issue. I think I hallucinated about being at a weigh station... James Mason was there. PS: I was the most recruited lacrosse player in America until a crazy stalker shot me in the chest... good time... In reality, Cyril hits a camel and gets us captured.

Krieger still can't find us... and Cyril can't translate well... because the stupid country has the same word for dog, snake, and every other stinking thing. Ray AND Cyril can't draw a snake either for some reason... all while I'm dying and hallucinating about my missed birthday present. Apparently my real father saved the day but those bastards woke me before I committed it to long term memory.... thanks, jerks.

Archer - Sober Love Pawn

Archer "Viscous Coupling" (S04E05):
 
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Pam poured out my grappa onto some stupid fire Carol started in a trashcan. On top of that, no one wanted to go to happy hour. Somehow they all had dates... and I walked in on Lana and Cyril going at it... ew. Thank God I found a whistle in a rape prevention class to help me drown out the nonsense.

Apparently, Lana's under Cyril again because she hadn't nailed anything in 14 months... In between my tinnitus flaring up and Lana believing I've matured enough for her to date again [ha!], my ex-fiance Katya called. I raced over with flowers and candy only to get shutout, like, hard. She called because she was worried about Barry! WTF. But she used my love to force me to help bring back Barry... damn you amazing sex drive and hot bionic boobs...

I knocked out the naysayers with tranquilizers while Carol took a few bruises getting Mother and Lana locked up. Krieger got on with Barry and helped him fix the spaceship to get back to Earth. Katya bought it as romantic, so we're good. All I had to do was get proof that Barry was cheating on her and we could abort operation "return crazy, Archer-obsessed, bio-robot to Earth."  Krieger got Barry to read my script while I got Pam on the audio editing, interrupting her from making a p0rn in the bathroom.

FX

Mother and Lana escaped, but my plan worked and Katya got pissed at Barry. I realized I never told Krieger to stop helping Barry get back to earth, and Barry headed back in a newly repaired ship. Unfortunately, Kayta was just using my love for her to help Barry... lame, lame. Serves me right for not refilling my grappa and staying smashed...

Archer: Ex-Ron > Current Ron

Archer "Midnight Ron" (S04E04):
 
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

God, Mother can be a bear. She wouldn't even take 2 seconds to set up an extraction for me because I interrupted her little marital spat happening over her Apple IIGS speaker phone (you'd think being the head of a spy organization, she'd keep up on technology better...). If there's one place I'd pick to lose my passport and blow my cover, it would be a casino. Well, casino's at least in the top 5. And I might have burned my passport to prove a drunken point... I can't really remember.

Next, I collect-call Carol to get her to wire me some money... she says no... as does Pam, Krieger, Ray, Cyril, and finally Lana. Freaking Woodhouse even said no. Then, Ron showed up. Sucked, but he drives a Cadillac so I could drink on the ride back... His brilliant plan to get me across the border: the trunk... amateur... but it worked. Bastard left me in the trunk for hours... only to use me to clear some gunman off his tail, but he crashed the car anyway.

The guy was carrying a suitcase full of DIRTY money.  Also, Ron doesn't know Guy Owen... why, God, did you send such a boring person to rescue me? But, thank you for sending a semi-truck full of beer to give us a ride back to Manhattan. Made up for some of it...

FX Network

Ron confesses that his last name isn't Cadallic and that he used to run cars, took over the stolen car parts industry, and stole a tank. Right after that nice story, we discover our driver delivered us to the set of some kind of unspeakably, rapey, snuff film. Luckily, I still had my gun. Ron started shooting off his mouth and we had to run for our lives because I was really out of bullets. Luckily, a train was going by and we jumped on. Had to throw away half of Ron's money he was saving for his GTA ex-crew, but we left behind the truckers who were trying to pull us into their homemade version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show gone wrong.

Jumped off train. Picked up one of Ron's caddies and barely made it back in time for him and Mother to attend their stupid opera thing, or something. Mother hated seeing us as bros, so that's cool. Woodhouse still hasn't finished eating his punishment... do you know how long it takes to fill a bowl with spider webs?

Archer - "Legs"

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Legs" (S04E03):
 
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Ray comes in all pissed-off in his 'vehicular hermaphrodite' and gets worse after he learns we get to go to Rome and buy shoes on the awesome mission he planned. He and Krieger start working on new fake legs or something while the new ammo gatekeeper stone-walls us for packing for our new mission.  Krieger sells Ray on turning him into a cyborg, with Carol and Pam assisting...

I try to break into Krieger's lab to stop the madness and ricocheted off his door and down the hall AND DOWN THE STAIRS! Gotta be a record! Pam and Krieger continue to create a gay terminator while I actually use Ron to convince Mother to let me have the rocket launcher 'for the mission,' but really to get in Krieger's door. Carol can't stop getting turned on while I get stuck in the ammo gatekepper's outer room after Lana ratted me out. I awesomely climbed up into the air ducts to find my way to Krieger's lab. Unfortunately, Mother can't recognize a good idea and (because we have no maps of the ducts) I get lost for 3 days.

FX Network

No legs are worth this...and we'll all be dead soon!

Archer - Luke This

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "The Wind Cries Mary" (S04E02):
 
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

So we're in the middle of the most boring staff meeting ever when Mother schedules the yearly 'peer review time' that everyone hates.  Pam gets to pair us up for lame feedback, like that could ever help.  But the bombshell news, Lucas Troy, my former bestie, is dead. In between everyone's 'gay' comments, I finally got the story of how he supposedly turned traitor and died in an attempt to steal uranium and $10 million. After Ray confirmed Luke was NOT GAY, I had to go home to "corral the lemur Woodhouse let out." Pam started harassing our new guy nanny Rodney, when Lana actually pays attention for two seconds and realizes I faked the lemur thing and went to help out Luke, who is still awesome by the way...

Lana and Cyril follow me to Vermont doing a peer review the entire way. Ha! Losers. Luke and I got smashed while he tried to sell me on his... bread and breakfast idea? Dude sounded crazy. Didn't even care about clearing his name and finding the mole who framed him. As I was getting to bottom of things, Lana and Cyril trip one of Luke's perimeter alarms.  Luke confesses his singular gay love for me and actually committing treason and murder... and then drugged me.

FX Network

Pam spills the beans while complaining about nobody doing peer reviews, and Mother freaks out... big surprise.  Meanwhile, Luke toys with Lana and a underwear-clad Cyril in the freezing snow.  The drug wears off and I head off after Luke.  Lana sets a naked-Cyril trap and drops a massive tree on Luke. I get there just in time to hear ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IMPORTANT. Luke's final confession WAS NOTHING GAY ABOUT HIM AND ME ON A MISSION IN CUBA. NOTHING AT ALL.

PS: Jimmy Hendrix rules and you know it.

Archer - Fugue and Riffs... eh, bad title...

Archer "Fugue and Riffs" (S04E01):
 
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

New Year. New resolutions, blah blah blah so I'm writing this diary again. After I'm dead, you can reread my awesome moments to commemorate the greatest spy in history.

Anyway, so I thought I was some guy named Bob who owns a restaurant called Bob's Burgers, this amazing burger place, where I make a killer 'Thomas Elphinstone Hambledurger" for $5.95... I mean, could you imagine!

After escaping a KGB hit squad at 'my burger joint,' I hit up a spa for some me time... apparently I have psychogenic retrograde amnesia, so the entire ISIS team shows up trying to ease my brain back in to awesome spy life.  Lana has me convinced to look for Cyril and Krieger pretending to be KGB while Ray keeps acting like a "cripple, gay, hillbilly spy."  So we catch them, but real KGB agents show up and I have to save Lana's massive hulk hands as usual. I think she's the one with amnesia... she doesn't remember Shazam!. [Ha! Now I remember: the show Isis came on right after Shazam! Ironic eh?]

FX

Resorting to Irish cream to get a buzz while I made malatov cocktails, Lana gets to wear pasties AGAIN... haha. Wait, that was actually the trigger that put my mind over the 'memory cliff,' but she still had to hit me over the head with a frying pan to get it all back.  I dispatch the KGB agents in my normal, awesome, Archer-istic fashion and continue to work towards a good buzz.  Then, I remembered hijacking the limo from my mother's wedding.  Of course, her new husband shows up being annoyingly charming... that bastard.

All this coincidence of KGB showing up everyplace I went turned out to be a great way to help get my memory back, and Cheryl needs to layoff the LSD gummy bears...

Arhcer - Space Race: Part 2/END

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Space Race, Part 2" (S03E13):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...
Space-cuffs are uncomfortable, and we're in them being walked around as space prisoners [for a recap on why we're in space, read here]. We're taken to the air force guy, who continues to try to convince us that our kidnapping is in the name of breeding a new race of humans on Mars...  but apparently they just wanted us for Lana's genes to produce martian babies. I don't see why they need the rest of us pen!s-owners...

He continues to try and persuade Lana, Ray, and I to either help or become slaves. Lana gets all bothered when I make a 3/5s reference... excuse me for knowing history. In the meantime, Pam overhears a plan and locks the door to the shuttle. Us four agents are still locked up talking about our amazingly soft zipper suits when we decide the best course of action is for me to use Lana's t-shirt and bust us out.

CR: FX

After using Lana's toplessness to get the guard to open the door, we bust out. [somehow Lana ends up in a thong and pasties? geez, she was already going to populate Mars. It's not like she needed a head start here...] But, the guard hits the alarm. In retrospect, we should have found something else for her to wear because she kept asking if they still looked good until we ended up having to nearly re-enact the Star Wars escape down into a massive garbage compactor... Even in just a thong, I wasn't following her down into that thing...

While the mutineering tools dealt with a door made from 'an alloy of antamatium and mithril', AirForceGuy chews out his men, shooting at the mostly-naked future mother of Mars. We free the non-mutinous people we helped imprison, then head to the shuttle. Unfortunately, Cheryl now wants to be the slutty martian queen and opens the impermeable door to the AirForceGuy. An argument about Animal Farm amongst us four agents lets the bad guys get the drop on us.  Eventually, we get the guns, but AirForceGuy can't live without his martian sex cult and blows his own head off, which throws Cyril into a firing range in which he kills the black astronaut...

So we are all set to go with Cyril as the pilot (since he's the only one that trained on the simulator), when BARRY shows up outside the dwarven space door. It took ALL I had not to open the door and fight Barry with a space robot suit! Anyway, Cyril blows up Barry's ship so he can't leave the station, and then I tried to help Cyril land, but he crashed anyway... but we're alive!

Archer - Space Race, Part 1

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Space Race, Part 1" (S03E12):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Ok, so an emergency message comes in from space and the Air Force comes to help get the crew of the Horizon Space Station under control since one has mutinied... maybe.  He doesn't know. Anyway, he wants agents to go to space and save them...and refused to say DANGER ZONE. Talk about lame...

We got to go through astronaut training! After Krieger stopped doing unnecessary enemas on me, I was able to save Cyril from a fire in the landing simulator. Then we got to ride in the vomit comet! It was great! I rode Cyril into a 3D weightless pool of Lana's vomit. 20 great weightless moments to always remember...

CR: FX

We were ready to launch, when we find out that Mother is apparently coming with us now... great... After the launch, AirForceBoy briefs us on Horizon's layout and all the awesome weapons the mutineers have! I tested one on Cyril in stun mode, but apparently the emp can stop a man's heart. After shocking Cyril back, we discovered we shot way off course because Pam and Cheryl stowed away. I barely shot Pam in time to keep her from leaking that she was here for space sex, but they shocked her back and she told Ray anyway. Luckily, they have a ball and glove like in The Great Escape, but the ball didn't bounce in free fall!

We dock with Horizon and the cr@ppy boarding party of 4 gets trashed by the mutineering b@stards. Lana has vertigo or something and is completely useless, so after convincing Pam to free me [and have a quickie], I roll in and save the day by getting us to the bridge. We get it open and to the good guys, and then our air force leader turns on us. Apparently now we're part of the mutinous party that's supposed to populate Mars? Wtf...

Archer - Skin Game... it vibrates!

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Skin Game" (S03E11):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Krieger lives in a smelly, dirty, nasty apartment not even fit for a pig-baby. [just so he can conquer YYZ]. Anyway, it was worth enduring to see Katya! He saved her! She has red eyes, but it's great! Took her into the office to get her on the payroll, and everyone is just freaked out that she's back from the dead as a cyborg that Krieger made in his sh!thole place. Lana convinced Mother to let Katya work for ISIS, but not before she gives Katya a complex of worry that was really annoying. Oh yeah, the sex was freaky... let's just say cyborg sex takes a bit of practice.

CR: FX

Especially finding her v@gina in the sink! I passed out and Woodhouse cleaned it... I think.  Cyril was nice enough to give me his grandfather's scotch to help me deal with the situation, while the office heard her side of the robo-gina story. But through his rambling, I did realize I should go after and marry her like I did before 'cause it's the right thing to do, and Mother will hate it. So, Ray started the wedding while Lana pushed in (drunk) Mother and then Barry walks in...He wanted to kill us. of course, but Katya's cyborgness comes in handy and they take off fighting.

Lana turns the lights off because the borgs' batteries will slowly die without light, and I put on night-vision goggles to search for them. And what do I see? Barry and Katya having sex! Screw that! I lost the only naturally vibrating v@gina I'd ever seen... so sad.

Archer - "Crossing Over"

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Sorry, guys. Playing catch up with the past couple episodes so these are going to fly!

Archer "Crossing Over" (S03E10):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Holy Bloody Mary. So I was so hungover I barely remember hitting on a crying widow at a wake, then chugging out of a Jager machine, then hanging out at a strip club with Pam there. [somehow not awkward... hm...] Thankfully, the stripper ended up being the best sex I've had [or at least can remember at the moment] except Milhouse waited to tell me she was still in the bathroom, but when I finally checked it was Pam which made me pass out dead away.

cr: FX

After cabbing it to the office together, I was explaining how Pam should never tell anyone when it was just too much and we had to do it in the elevator... but luckily no one was waiting at the top so I could get to Mother's office and listen to her babble about my potential biological father, who's a Russian KGB agent and now might want to defect, etc. Lana's here too, and Mother is still shagging Burt Reynolds who we never see for some reason, probably because he IS ashamed of you, Mother! Sorry. Pam stuck her head in the door so I had to drag her into the bathroom and explain my shame issue again and how she can't tell anyone we had sex (again), while in the meantime Barry [the insane commie robot dude? yeah, he's still around...] was reassigning my potential father to Siberia, but apparently he's coming here instead since Mother is insisting I go prep the safe house...

So, Barry discovers Dad [called 'Jackoff' by the way...] has flown the coup and come to New York where he's staying in the safe house with Mother, and NOT me... who's having sex with Pam, the chupacabra of dicks, but I finally do show up at the safe house only to get cried on by my potential dad... gross. The rest of the team gets to watch Cyril accidentally kill the sleeper agent, who leaks that Barry is now the leader of the KGB and is on his way to kill us. But, not before I get plastered with dear ol' Dad while Barry tricks Cheryl into bringing him to the safe house for sex.

I ditched dad to go have more Pam-sex as Cheryl shows up to the safe house with Barry, who... creatively... renders her unconscious and then turns on the gas in the safe house to blow up my dad, which everyone stands outside to wait for apparently...

I don't get people.