Archer - Space Race, Part 1

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Space Race, Part 1" (S03E12):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

Ok, so an emergency message comes in from space and the Air Force comes to help get the crew of the Horizon Space Station under control since one has mutinied... maybe.  He doesn't know. Anyway, he wants agents to go to space and save them...and refused to say DANGER ZONE. Talk about lame...

We got to go through astronaut training! After Krieger stopped doing unnecessary enemas on me, I was able to save Cyril from a fire in the landing simulator. Then we got to ride in the vomit comet! It was great! I rode Cyril into a 3D weightless pool of Lana's vomit. 20 great weightless moments to always remember...

CR: FX

We were ready to launch, when we find out that Mother is apparently coming with us now... great... After the launch, AirForceBoy briefs us on Horizon's layout and all the awesome weapons the mutineers have! I tested one on Cyril in stun mode, but apparently the emp can stop a man's heart. After shocking Cyril back, we discovered we shot way off course because Pam and Cheryl stowed away. I barely shot Pam in time to keep her from leaking that she was here for space sex, but they shocked her back and she told Ray anyway. Luckily, they have a ball and glove like in The Great Escape, but the ball didn't bounce in free fall!

We dock with Horizon and the cr@ppy boarding party of 4 gets trashed by the mutineering b@stards. Lana has vertigo or something and is completely useless, so after convincing Pam to free me [and have a quickie], I roll in and save the day by getting us to the bridge. We get it open and to the good guys, and then our air force leader turns on us. Apparently now we're part of the mutinous party that's supposed to populate Mars? Wtf...