Arhcer - Space Race: Part 2/END

by Jonathan Bredemeyer

Archer "Space Race, Part 2" (S03E13):

From the Diary of Archer Sterling...
Space-cuffs are uncomfortable, and we're in them being walked around as space prisoners [for a recap on why we're in space, read here]. We're taken to the air force guy, who continues to try to convince us that our kidnapping is in the name of breeding a new race of humans on Mars...  but apparently they just wanted us for Lana's genes to produce martian babies. I don't see why they need the rest of us pen!s-owners...

He continues to try and persuade Lana, Ray, and I to either help or become slaves. Lana gets all bothered when I make a 3/5s reference... excuse me for knowing history. In the meantime, Pam overhears a plan and locks the door to the shuttle. Us four agents are still locked up talking about our amazingly soft zipper suits when we decide the best course of action is for me to use Lana's t-shirt and bust us out.

CR: FX

After using Lana's toplessness to get the guard to open the door, we bust out. [somehow Lana ends up in a thong and pasties? geez, she was already going to populate Mars. It's not like she needed a head start here...] But, the guard hits the alarm. In retrospect, we should have found something else for her to wear because she kept asking if they still looked good until we ended up having to nearly re-enact the Star Wars escape down into a massive garbage compactor... Even in just a thong, I wasn't following her down into that thing...

While the mutineering tools dealt with a door made from 'an alloy of antamatium and mithril', AirForceGuy chews out his men, shooting at the mostly-naked future mother of Mars. We free the non-mutinous people we helped imprison, then head to the shuttle. Unfortunately, Cheryl now wants to be the slutty martian queen and opens the impermeable door to the AirForceGuy. An argument about Animal Farm amongst us four agents lets the bad guys get the drop on us.  Eventually, we get the guns, but AirForceGuy can't live without his martian sex cult and blows his own head off, which throws Cyril into a firing range in which he kills the black astronaut...

So we are all set to go with Cyril as the pilot (since he's the only one that trained on the simulator), when BARRY shows up outside the dwarven space door. It took ALL I had not to open the door and fight Barry with a space robot suit! Anyway, Cyril blows up Barry's ship so he can't leave the station, and then I tried to help Cyril land, but he crashed anyway... but we're alive!