by Amy K. Bredemeyer
I thought that "Beards" was a strange title when I first read it. And, after the episode was over, I still thought it was a bit odd. It took me a few seconds to put two and two together and figure out that it was the captain's beard that really ended Victoria's career as a lesbian, LoL! Overall, I thought that this episode was a bit of a let-down. I thought that the Elka-Melanie thing could have been much funnier, and the end wasn't all that amusing. I also thought that they could have thrown in another joke about Elka at the buffets, but there was some sort of strange time issue going on... we know the cruise was a week long, but it seemed like we only saw a day or two... am I mistaken?
Hot in Cleveland "Beards" (S03E02): [That house is gorgeous! Reminds me a little of the one on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. anyone else?] Victoria has been invited to give a talk on a lesbian cruise to the Caribbean. She's obviously bringing Joy, who is pretty darn angry that she can't date eligible men because she's supposed to be married to a pseudo-celebrity. [I would be, too... I think.] Joy does, however, want a prized handbag of Victoria's for continuing this falsehood. Elka blackmails her way into going by threatening to call the media and expose Victoria otherwise. [cute opening titles with the porthole!]
Once they board the ship, it becomes abundantly clear what Elka's priorities are... eating! After all, she's been on 6 cruises but has never seen the ocean! Plus, while wearing a "cruise muumuu," she two meals before they even leave port. [that's impressive. Though not entirely shocking. I always have a meal before we leave port, and on my most recent cruise it might have been two... LoL. we boarded really early!] Also before setting sail, we find out that Melanie's sister, Caroline, is also on the cruise... and they're both shocked that the other is gay. To play it off, Melanie has to pretend that Elka is her girlfriend. [LoL! this should be good!] However, Caroline's girlfriend soon hits on Melanie. [hmmm... really hitting on her? or faking it to see if Melanie is really gay?] Joy and Victoria both flirt with the captain, and both make plans to see the man later on in the night, though Victoria isn't sure when... as she doesn't know military time. [eh. I've seen so many military time jokes at this point that they have to be good to impress me. LoL.]
The captain makes out with Joy in her stateroom but Victoria comes in, so the captain hides in the bathroom. But Victoria needs to rinse a blouse in the bathroom, so she goes in there and sees the captain, who acts like he was there for her. [smooth... but probably not for long!] They make out, and he tells her to find him later. Joy goes back in, and the same thing happens, so the charade continues... When Melanie sees the captain, she hits on him as well, but he says he has to draw the line somewhere. [hahaha!] BUT, Caroline saw that interaction, and Melanie has to come clean. After some upset feelings, the girls share some secrets, like the fact that Caroline used to score with the girls she had sleepover. [whoa. and awkward. and flashback to a very peculiar party I went to in tenth grade...]