Friday, February 8, 2013

Archer: Ex-Ron > Current Ron

Archer "Midnight Ron" (S04E04):
From the Diary of Archer Sterling...

God, Mother can be a bear. She wouldn't even take 2 seconds to set up an extraction for me because I interrupted her little marital spat happening over her Apple IIGS speaker phone (you'd think being the head of a spy organization, she'd keep up on technology better...). If there's one place I'd pick to lose my passport and blow my cover, it would be a casino. Well, casino's at least in the top 5. And I might have burned my passport to prove a drunken point... I can't really remember.

Next, I collect-call Carol to get her to wire me some money... she says no... as does Pam, Krieger, Ray, Cyril, and finally Lana. Freaking Woodhouse even said no. Then, Ron showed up. Sucked, but he drives a Cadillac so I could drink on the ride back... His brilliant plan to get me across the border: the trunk... amateur... but it worked. Bastard left me in the trunk for hours... only to use me to clear some gunman off his tail, but he crashed the car anyway.

The guy was carrying a suitcase full of DIRTY money.  Also, Ron doesn't know Guy Owen... why, God, did you send such a boring person to rescue me? But, thank you for sending a semi-truck full of beer to give us a ride back to Manhattan. Made up for some of it...
FX Network
Ron confesses that his last name isn't Cadallic and that he used to run cars, took over the stolen car parts industry, and stole a tank. Right after that nice story, we discover our driver delivered us to the set of some kind of unspeakably, rapey, snuff film. Luckily, I still had my gun. Ron started shooting off his mouth and we had to run for our lives because I was really out of bullets. Luckily, a train was going by and we jumped on. Had to throw away half of Ron's money he was saving for his GTA ex-crew, but we left behind the truckers who were trying to pull us into their homemade version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show gone wrong.

Jumped off train. Picked up one of Ron's caddies and barely made it back in time for him and Mother to attend their stupid opera thing, or something. Mother hated seeing us as bros, so that's cool. Woodhouse still hasn't finished eating his punishment... do you know how long it takes to fill a bowl with spider webs?
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