Secret Life: What Was Left Behind

For several years now, I've had a morbid fascination with The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I am terribly addicted to this drama, as I've admitted multiple times, especially over the course of this final season. With so many characters, the series could continue story-wise, but I understand the decision to wrap things up at the end of Amy's high school career. I think that one of the major downfalls for this series is that it stopped depicting teen parenthood as difficult around the end of the second season, though Amy's desire for more freedom remained. In fact, that was so strong that it forced the final scene, where Amy heads to college in New York, leaving Ricky to care for their son. Though I shouldn't have been surprised, I was... but the main problem I had was that we weren't able to see Ben's final reaction to Amy's decisions! (surely he'd have a much bigger reaction than that boring handshake!) Sure, I could complain about how some characters' situations weren't actually resolved (where's Nora going to live? will Ethan actually keep it in his pants? is Kathy going to move to Houston?), but the huge gripe I have is how much time was devoted to flashbacks in this finale! This show didn't run long enough to require such retrospectives! But, c'est la vie.

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The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Caught in a Trap" (S05E23): Grace is practically registering for wedding gifts already, though she still has no intentions of actually marrying Jack. [haha!] George tells Grace to do what she wants, and just marry Jack later on if it works out. [George still isn't the greatest at giving advice, LoL.] On the flip side, Jack admits that the big reason he wanted to marry Grace was to fulfill a commitment he made to God when he was badly injured. So, that solves that and the wedding is off. [a little too easy, no?]

Brian tells Ethan that Layla called Kathy a skank. [haha. that's a term I haven't heard in YEARS!] That, combined with a comparison of himself to Ben, has Ethan starting to think that having sex with Layla may not be the best thing. [really? THAT's what gets him to reconsider?] Still, Ethan attempts to have sex with Layla while babysitting John, but Ricky is wise to his pseudo-brother and puts a stop to that. He also wants Ethan to promise not to have sex for a while yet, as sex with Amy means nothing to him because he had sex with too many girls before her. [that totally sucks. do you hear that, kids??] And, to top it off, Kathy is planning to move home to Houston because of the treatment she's receiving around town, but her dad tries to make Ethan fix that. [we don't know if he does, though.] 

Now, smaller stories. Henry has joined the army, freaking out Ben and Alice. Leo  congratulates his son's friend and offers him a job when he completes his service. [gotta love Leo! Henry's enthusiasm was a little much, though!] Chloe sets up her former pimp for arrest. Jack's mother gets a graduation gift for Madison, but when Jack goes to deliver it, he and his ex-girlfriend wind up making out. [seriously??!?] Amy is confronted about her e-diary, and she admits to Ben that she imagines what life would be like if she never had John. [that was a terrible fake tackle!]

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Thank You and Goodbye" (S05E24): Grant is valedictorian, and though we don't see the graduation ceremony, we see groups of kids hugging in the hallway. Ben is still holding out hope that Amy won't marry Ricky the next day, and, later that night, she does call off the wedding. She claims that Ricky is not "in love" with her, and she wants to leave him to parent John alone. [goosebumps on the John flashbacks as Ricky learns to be a parent.] Anne supports the idea but George doesn't.

Omar gives Adrian one last chance to come with him to New York, and she agrees to.

Secret Life: The Wrap-Up Begins...

The Omar-Adrian storyline is wrapped. I could live with where we are for George and Kathleen, Jack and Grace, and Clementine. Henry opened up a new can of worms for he and Alice, Ethan did with he and Layla, and Leo did the same when he offered Amy and Ben apartments in New York. I've made peace with the fact that Ashley, Anne, Robbie, Mimzi, Margaret, Shaker, and Nora likely won't get any fanfare as the series closes, and we've probably seen the last of Dylan, Lauren, Madison, and Grant as well. But, I just can't shake the feeling that the drama is not wrapping up loose ends quickly enough... I don't want to be angry at how the series ends in two weeks! Sad, sure. Crying like a baby, perhaps. But I'm never thrilled when I'm just mad about the ending. For example, I still can't talk about last night's series finale of Rules of Engagement, which just had me gritting my teeth at the closing credits!

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "When Bad Things Happen to Bad People" (S05E22): Kathleen finds out that Grace and Jack had sex, and warns Grace that she needs to be honest with Jack about her plans not to marry him. She tries to weasel out of it and have George talk to Jack, but he won't.

Omar doesn't want to have a long-distance fiance, so he calls off the engagement unless Adrian moves to New York. [AMEN! He realized that Adrian is a selfish brat!] She's so upset that she breaks the truth to Jack - Grace wants to go to college alone and she's years from marrying anyone. She adds that Amy doesn't want to marry Ricky, either... she just wants him to watch John while she's at college. Clementine takes this opportunity to make one last play for Ricky, but he assures her that it'll never happen between them, though Adrian believes the opposite. 

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Ricky has more to think about, however, as he now has the chance to move to New York with Amy. See, Leo has a shop and property there, so Ben and Amy could have apartments, and Ricky and John could stay with Amy while Ricky transfers to the office there. [too magical to be true. Why wouldn't Ben have any idea about this before?] And, if Ricky doesn't go, Ben feels his chances to be with Amy are high... he admits to Alice that he hacked Amy's computer and read her diary, mentioning she's not over Ben. [you are KIDDING me!] 

In smaller storylines, Ethan is already thinking about having sex with Layla, partly for the "anonymous" factor. [I don't get it... he wants to have sex with her BECAUSE they don't know each other very well? is that a thing now?] He's too embarrassed to buy condoms, which Margaret points out means he's not ready for sex. [AMEN.] And, Henry tells Alice that he's going to the Philippines for a year to work in a hotel, but he's really doing something else. [ooohhh... mystery! Any guesses?]

Secret Life: Marriage and Moving On

The show of a thousand storylines! We've likely wrapped up Tom, Madison, and Lauren, but I think all of the 20+ other characters still have something going on, which will really start to become pressing in the remaining three episodes. A few major things that stand out, however... Chloe possibly going back to her stripper days. I don't know what she's not getting that she feels she needs this life again... PLUS, I want Ben to talk to Henry and Alice more, not Chloe! Next, Kathleen. I'm not sure why they bothered to write-in her mother for two episodes, except possibly to show the family trend of marrying young. Speaking of which, what was with Grace and Amy telling Kathy to "play the field" when neither has really done that?? The bottom line? I'm starting to become nervous that we're going to get a slipshod ending...

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "First and Last" (S05E20): Kathleen's non-drinking, non-card-playing mother, Victoria, visits, interrupting what was going to be an elopement. She's very critical of her daughter, and even more so of George. [makes sense.] Kathleen hasn't spoken to her mother since Marshall died, but Victoria needs someone to care for her, as her husband left her after she demanded to visit Kathleen before she dies. Bad heart or not, Victoria was shunned from the community for disobeying her husband, who has already married someone else. [seriously??] Victoria knew that Marshall had a girlfriend in Africa, as she heard about it through the missionary grapevine. [ha!]

Victoria isn't the only newcomer to the scene - George's mother shows up after taking a long trip to see all 50 states, which began before the series premiered. With both mothers present, Kathleen and George get married as Grace and Amy cry on one another's shoulders. [LOVED Kathleen's dress!]

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Grace was crying because she's trying to get out of marrying Jack (who is finally cast-free!), though she did accept his proposal. Amy's reason for crying isn't as obvious, though we do learn that she wants to get married the day after she graduates from high school so that she can jet off to New York a week later for summer school. [Ricky is unaware, though Ben has figured it out.] Both George and Adrian are skeptical that the wedding will occur.

Weddings aside, Omar and Adrian have a condom break, and he's paranoid that she's pregnant. She claims that she's on the pill and doesn't need the morning-after pill, but Omar is worried because she got pregnant by Ben when she was on the pill. [you guys know I have so much to say here but I'll refrain...] She suggests that they get married a year from June, after her sophomore year, and then they'll move to New York.

On the educational side of things, a speller named Brian asks Kathy for bee tips, but Ethan doesn't want her to spend time with him. [such a control freak, that boy!] Ethan tries to prove he's a good enough speller to help Brian instead, but it doesn't work. On the flip side, a girl named Layla cheats off Ethan's algebra test, and it takes some convincing to prove that it wasn't Ethan who was copying Layla's paper. [this is another scene I thought that we could have done without. what did it really add??] For the older kids, college acceptances are going around, and although Madison and Lauren got in to Hudson, they're planning to attend Berkeley. [thank goodness that SOMEONE on this show knows what Early Admission means!] Grant is going to Harvard, and Grace is so jealous that she makes a scene. [ha! that's what you get for not putting academics first, Grace!]

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "All My Sisters with Me" (S05E21): Kathleen's mother has passed away, so she wants to be alone, as does Grace. Grace is still trying to get out of her engagement, so she thinks about going to a different college than Jack, then has sex with in an attempt to prove that they're incompatible. 

Anne offers the house to Amy and Ricky (and John and Nora), but Amy wants to go to school in New York without her husband and son. Anne then gives Amy a second option: if she doesn't want to get married, the house will be sold and Amy can use the money to fund her single mother life in New York. [either way, that's a crazy deal! I bet Ashley would be mega-jealous!] Ben is also still looking out for Amy, though Leo puts the kibosh on his son having both an apartment and an on-campus room. [good!] Ben can't stop thinking about his first love, however, so Chloe tries to seduce Ben into forgetting about Amy. [hold the phone! this was ridiculous!!] When he turns her down, she calls her old pimp. [huh??!?]

Omar wants to get a condo in New York, but Adrian doesn't want to move into a place a year after Omar has lived there already, and doesn't care if they waste rent money for a year. [she is SUCH a selfish BRAT!!]    

George wants Anne to buy him out of the furniture store, but she's more upset that she wasn't invited to his wedding or Kathleen's mother's funeral. [...why would she be??] She talks to Anne about bring "part of their family," and she's welcome. This is especially helpful because Willadeen is with Nora now. [eep!] Meanwhile, Tom grows attached to George's mother, Eva, and the two decide to head to Alaska on her motorcycle. [and Kathleen was thrilled...?]

Secret Life: Amy Wants Money... from Anyone

What was that Melrose Place moment where Didi was talking to Grace? I really didn't like that, though if the series had a longer life than just the next month, I could see it being an intriguing way to go. What's not intriguing, however, is Amy going to Leo... I think it's obvious that she doesn't care if she needs to beg, borrow, or steal to get the money to go to school in New York. This makes it all the more difficult to predict how I think the series will end or even how I WANT it to end... I mean, at this point, Amy has really backed herself into quite the hole. How many people think she deserves anything anymore? She has proven herself to be a spoiled brat time and again. She even takes advantage of Madison and Lauren's babysitting offer, though that did give us a rare opportunity to see those two again. With Ben so intent on going to Hudson, I suspect Henry and Alice will appear next week to talk him down to Earth once more... or at least convince the kid that he does not need both an apartment AND a campus room!

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Interference" (S05E19): On the plane, Ben takes off Amy's rings as she sleeps. [why is he turning creepy??] He has planned to put them back, but she moves and he pockets them before falling asleep himself. When Ricky notices that Amy isn't wearing the rings, he freaks out, though she just pretends she put them in her purse to go through airport security. When he leaves for work, she has Madison and Lauren come over to tear apart the house, then watch John as Amy goes to ask George for $18,000 a year. [you know, because those are how she prioritizes things.]

But, the night before, Ricky asked George about Amy's college tuition, and George told him he needed to "shut that down," in regards to Amy's desire to live in New York and attend Hudson. [I loved his wording - so 2010s!] Though, Ricky doesn't want to force Amy to marry and go to school in California, her options are running out when George firmly puts his foot down to her. She talks about asking Nora and Margaret, but we see her go to Leo instead. [Nora can't afford an apartment OR a car, clearly she doesn't have thousands of dollars to loan. I don't see Margaret helping Amy in this way, either.] When Ben shows up, Amy gets her rings back, thanks to Chloe finding them in Ben's shirt. [why was she going through Ben's clothes?]

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Smaller storylines include: Ethan is collecting signatures of people who don't use algebra in their lives, but after he and Kathy knock on Danica McKellar's door, the jig is up. [I find it HILARIOUS that she lives in their neighborhood.] Ethan says that Kathy looks like a stripper to make her feel better, but then he gets chewed out by her dad. Again.

Adrian makes Omar breakfast in bed, and she now says that she'll move to New York, but not for a year. She tries to get his mother to influence him, but that just makes him angry. [I can't believe she went to his mother! remember how much we all hated her in the early episodes? It's coming back!] Omar asks his father for advice, and he says that he should move on from Adrian. [Omar's father out of nowhere?]

Jack asks Grace to talk a couples class with him, but she hesitates. Jack's mother, Didi, then confronts Grace about whether she's trying to secretly break up with Jack, saying that she's never been a good girlfriend to the athlete. [Grace is pretty fickle, but I was shocked that Didi came over there like that!]

Secret Life: The Kids Don't Care

This episode both had me on the edge of my seat and constantly rolling my eyes. Adrian is still a spoiled brat, Amy still doesn't take responsibility seriously, and Ben throws money at any little problem. At first, I thought that Adrian refusing to let Omar take a business call was the worst moment... until both Amy AND Ben managed to not learn what Early Acceptance means. I remember the specifics of Early Admission being drilled into us the first couple of weeks of my senior year of high school. And, it wasn't even so much about the non-refundable deposits (which, although variable, you pay with every type of application, by the way), it was about integrity - if you were playing the "Early Admission" game, you could only do it for one school, and you knew you were promising to attend if they accepted you. I knew maybe a dozen people who did this, one of whom was SO sure about his choice that he even applied for housing the same day his acceptance came, which gave him #41 (or something close to that) in the pick-your-rez-hall system! Anyway, I digress. The constant drama is something I'm really going to miss after six more episodes... what other current series has it like this show??

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Money for Nothin'" (S05E18): At Hudson, Amy (who plans to major in secondary education because "she knows how important high school is") learns that her Early Acceptance application requires her to go there, which is why there was a $2,000 non-refundable application fee. [for comparison, that's REALLY high. Harvard charges $75, Princeton $65, and Florida State University $30 (though it was $20 back in 2001).] Amy wants to arrange a room on campus that would be large enough for Ricky and John to visit, so she's very upset to learn that she can't live on campus and have overnight guests. [once again, I'm sure she could have known this in advance, especially now that the internet is available!] Ben admits to the financial counselor that he might be there just because he's following Amy, but he likes the school and will come there anyway, even if he also didn't "understand" the Early Decision process. [I'm using different terminology because they're using various phrasing, but it all means the same thing.] Ben plans to get an apartment, and after the counselor suggests he and Amy live together, he thinks about getting a room on campus, too. [both??] Amy hates the idea of going to the same school as Ben, and will hardly even accept a ride to the airport.

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also, isn't this about the most unflattering outfit ever?

At the community college, Ricky turns in a paper a day late, and his professor is pretty understanding of his childcare issue. Adrian then tells Ricky not to marry Amy, so it seems that she's unknowingly sided with Nora. Of course, Adrian is also upset because Omar has suggested that they move to New York. ["so, what did you get me?" really? at 18-19 years old?]

At the coffeeshop, Jack is approached by a lawyer who wants to sue the school for millions of dollars in punitive damages, and although Grace and Jack's father are both against the idea, Jack worries about his athletic future and is strongly considering it. [I think the "Christian angle" is getting played a little hard here, though.]

At Kathy's house, she continues to tutor Ethan, who is feeling better about his math skills when he learns that Kathy's dad isn't great at algebra, either. [I thought that was awkward.] Kathy's dad calls and Kathy passes the phone to Ethan, who tells him that Don (the babydaddy) is after money, and that's why he's trying to see Kathy and the baby. Kathy and Don talk about the situation, but Ethan gets him to admit that he really is after some moolah.

Secret Life: Will Ricky & Amy be Together Forever?

I'm not saying that nothing happened this episode, but I was really waiting for something exciting to happen. I mean, when Ricky missing a day of school to care for his son is the most interesting event, I think it's a swing and a miss. Ricky and John spending the day together effectively did nothing for being such a large segment of the episode. Unless, of course, it's a preview of sorts to Ricky being a single parent, but I don't think that will end up the case. Speaking of parenting, I had completely forgotten that the pastor isn't Jack's biological father... was that a first-season storyline? (this site started covering the series at the start of its second season.) Anyway, it seems that the time has come to really start questioning whether Ricky and Amy will be "together forever" like this final batch of episodes keeps promoting... thoughts?

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The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Fraid So" (S05E17): John bites a kid at daycare so Ricky has to take the day off from school and work to watch him, as George and Margaret are both working. [those twins are starting to have different looks, LoL.] Leo sends Nora to work at the butcher shop to help out Bunny and suggests she put in a good word with George on using them as the restaurant's meat supplier. [how did I NOT see this coming??] Nora shows up at Ricky's after the butcher shop and offers to help with childcare more, saying that she's "okay now." When he turns her down, she admits that she doesn't think he and Amy should marry. [after all the previews that showed Ricky crying, I wasn't that touched that it was over something Nora said!] After that, Nora decides to start looking for an apartment, though she's also started attending extra meetings to curb her drinking. [only a handful of episodes left and a character might fall off the wagon... odd plotline...] Back at Ricky's, Amy calls, saying that she doesn't want to lose him. Ben, on the other hand, moves to a hotel suite to avoid the noise on campus, bringing a girl with him. [privileged kids! he's just fonna "get a suite" like it's nothing! in Manhattan!] Oh, and Chloe thinks that Amy wanted Ben to know her flight information, so she left her plans in the copy machine at school, and Ben conveniently changed his flight to match hers. [because, you know, changing your flight the day you leave is no big deal... ::eye roll::] 

George goes to Jack's dad about him having a gun, while Jack tells Tom that he can't get Chloe's pimp's face out of his head. After that, George takes Jack home to sleep at his house, but Jack will only sleep sharing a bed. [awww.] Jack repeatedly chickens out of going to a therapist, but George eventually goes with him to Dr. Fields' office. [everyone in town uses the same therapist... gotta love it.] Jack asks the therapist about his religion, and when he won't respond, Jack is wary of talking. However, he soon starts admitting his vulnerability, and even moves to sleeping at his parents' house, even though he wants them to sleep in the same room to make him feel better. [it's a start!]

Kathy's grandmother will let her be alone with Ethan to do homework, but he's afraid of being trusted. [what an odd problem.] He calls Ricky, who tells him not to go. He goes anyway, but when they get started, Kathy's babydaddy shows up, wanting to marry Kathy and ask for the return of the baby from the couple who adopted her. [this kid is crazy!!] Ethan asks Ricky to come over and talk about how difficult it is to be a father, but he's overly busy after missing school. Ethan then suspects that the babydaddy is there for something besides Kathy or the baby. [like...?]

Secret Life: Amy, Ben, and Omar go to New York

Amy and Ben fly solo for their campus tours but Grace brings Kathleen along on hers? I'm not sure what's going on there. I'm also intrigued on how the next episode will play out when a handful of main characters are out of town... though, of course, George has his own cans of worms brewing. On that note, I am sick of Jack not getting the psychological help he needs, so hopefully George will be able to push him over the edge after what happened! Similarly, the return of Tom could mean interesting events are on the horizon for his character as well, though I am confused over why it took him four bus transfers to make it to the restaurant! The characters are always jetting over to Jeff's, which gave me the impression that it was nearby... Camille and Chloe were noticeably absent in an episode where they could have at least appeared at the dinner table with Leo and Ben. Still no sign of Lauren, Madison, Henry, Alice, or Ashley, though at least we heard about Lauren and Madison still existing. So much left to happen, I can't wait!

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Shiny and New" (S05E16): Amy wants to give back the gifts they received for their "wedding," but some of them have been used. Upset, Ricky asks Amy for his mother's wedding ring back, then goes to see Leo to return the wedding cash. [asking for the ring back was a little harsh...]

Amy and Ben leave to tour Hudson University in New York, and Ben suggests that the two of them just go someplace foreign where they know nobody. [ever the smooth-talker, that Ben!] Amy and Ricky start discussing the logistics of how she'd actually be able to go to school in New York. On the flight, however, Amy's seat buddy is actually Omar, who is headed for a business lunch, despite Adrian's jealousy that he gets to go to New York. [I couldn't believe that she refused to drive him to the airport!] Amy tells him that she's not really married, and the two begins talking as Ben listens in from the row behind them. Ben texts Ricky and Adrian about Amy and Omar sitting next to one another, leading the fiances to worry about their traveling counterparts. [are you serious? Ricky and Adrian are worried about Amy and Omar getting together? hahahaha!] Meanwhile, Ricky dreams of being with Clementine, and the next day he received a letter form her that talks about how long she's been in love with him.

Grace and Kathleen are going out of town for a few days to tour college campuses, which means Jack should go to his parents' house or back to his place on campus. He leaves Grace's and offers Nora a ride to work. However, he falls asleep at the wheel and runs into a police car, making Nora half an hour late to work. Jack then tries to invite himself over to Adrian's and Ricky's so that he's not alone. In the end, he returns to Grace's guesthouse, and when George knocks on the door, Jack shoots a gun at him. [wonder where he got that...?]

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Shorter stories: George buys Jeff's Restaurant because he wants to cut all ties with Anne. [I forgot that the furniture store is a joint venture.] Ethan cheated on a math test but doesn't want Kathy's tutoring. It horrifies her that he'd rather fail than accept her help, so he asks Amy for help, though she just suggests he ask Ricky for assistance. [Ethan is the strangest kid!] 

Secret Life: The Secrets Come Out

As the final season winds down, a lot of loose ends need to be tied. However, this show doesn't seem worried about that, as they just keep finding new strands! With the big ceremony in jeopardy and both parties questioning if marriage is the right thing, the situation is only becoming more stressful. Why add David as a father to Robbie? Why have Kathy's friends desert her? Why have Clementine AND Adrian both consider their past relationships with Ricky? There are so many characters now that we can't learn about all of their drama each episode, so at the moment we're clueless on Henry, Alice, Madison, Lauren, Jacob, Ashley, Toby, Grant, and Griffin, plus Adrian's parents, Mimsy, and Betty. Plus, open-ended conflicts are going on with Tom, Camille, and Dylan, so who knows which storylines we'll see from episode to episode. I hope that the series doesn't unravel too much more, as I really would prefer organic endings instead of crazy answers that cover multiple characters at the same time...

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Untying the Knot" (S05E15): Amy confronts George about his lying about Robbie's biological father. Anne is pissed and pretty much wants nothing to do with her ex-husband now, and with the added stress of custodial issues with David, she decides that Amy's wedding no longer matters and that she should evict George. (plus, she's about to become single, though Nora is trying to convince Willadeen to stay with Anne until things calm down.) Ricky thinks that he and Amy should just go to City Hall, but she wants a wedding now that she has a dress. Words spreads fast that there might not be a big shindig, so Grace decides that she and Kathleen should help plan Amy's wedding. [that would be the most awkward scenario I could come up with, really!] George freaks out and tells Anne that Amy and Ricky aren't really married, and he's also considering taking over the planning. [get ready, this is going to be like wildfire!] So, when Nora calls Anne to ask about the wedding, Anne shares the news with Nora. Amy and Ricky find out that two out of three mothers know the truth, so Ricky has to head over to tell Margaret before someone else does. [like Ethan, because the kids at school are next!]

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Adrian flaunts her engagement ring to Ricky, then suspects he's not actually married. [I think she might have thrown in suspicion where there wasn't much to go on.] She and Clementine use the internet to find out that a marriage was never recorded. But, Adrian has other things going on with her own status... she has not yet told her parents that she's engaged.

Jack is trying to find a Christian orthopedist who will believe that he has healed early, but when the x-rays reveal the truth, all he gets are smaller casts. [kinda cool.] The doctor also suggests that Jack see a psychiatrist, as he's not ready to live on campus again, staying in the safety of Grace's home for now. [yeah, I think he's more anxious than he's letting on.]

Kathy's friends are upset that she has a posh home in Texas, so they won't be friends with her anymore. [teenagers! geez!] Chloe befriends her, but Ethan is worried about that choice. He turns to Margaret, worried that Chloe is going to give Kathy sex tips. [hahaha!] Chloe has dinner at Kathy's, and they share parts of their stories. [what a strange match!]

Secret Life: Kathy's Coming Back, but George has the BIG News!

"Took a powder" - do you know what that means? I had to look it up... apparently, it means to leave to avoid an unpleasant situation. Please tell me I'm not the only one who had never heard this phrase before! Now, the bigger question... how much longer will the happiness in this family last? 

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I'm not sure. I'm as shocked as the next person that Ben seems to be over Amy, and I'm really confused over whether he's going to make a play for Grace at this point or what his plan is. Now that we know both Ricky AND Amy have doubts about their future, I'm struggling to hypothesize what will become of them. The tagline for this final half-season is "together forever," which I would think would apply to these two characters more than anyone else. However, I don't know that they're good together, and I think that they both only really fell for one another because of the circumstances. Sure, they've each grown a lot over the past 3-4 years, but is that enough?

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "It's a Miracle" (S05E14): Ricky tells his therapist (Lauren's dad) that he thinks Amy will back out of the wedding. He says that he is in love with her, but knows that she's not in love with him, so he doesn't want to marry her - he deserves better. [that's smart.] He also admits that he's not already married. [ouch. more and more people are figuring this out...] He's also thinking about cheating on Amy, but won't actually do it. [this is new!]

Omar's student teaching is over, and he receives a million dollars to make a set of videos where the best teachers showcase their lesson plans for a year. [this sounds like a really big project he proposed to a bunch of people... how had Adrian not heard about it at all??] To celebrate, he proposes to Adrian with an heirloom ring.

Ben never made it to school and completely forgot about driving Chloe home. [how far away is this airport??] He wishes Amy a good life and moves on. See, that morning, when talking to Ethan, Ben realized that he only fell for Amy because Grace wasn't interested in him. That night, he goes to meet his parents for dinner but it was a set-up... he has dinner with Dylan instead. [this was a strange move on Leo's part, I feel.] Later, he tells Leo he doesn't think he loves Dylan, but he needs to get over Amy. 

In Texas, Ethan tries to talk to Kathy's father about her living with him in California. But, her father feels like Kathy shouldn't be "comfortable" and "having fun" but feel guilty and ashamed. [I wonder if I'd feel the same...] The housekeeper tells Ethan to act more masculine if he's going to win over Kathy's father, but Ethan's final plea is actually based on love and volunteering to be castrated. [WHOA!] Kathy she claims that she's really become more independent in California, and her parents decide to let her stay the rest of the school year in California. [meh. honestly, there are so many characters, I could really care less about little Kathy and Ethan at this point.]

Jack wants Grace to cut off his casts, but she doesn't believe that he's healed weeks ahead of time. [what's the point in having Jack act so weird??] She drives him to the hospital at Jack's father's request, and Jack decides to become a minister. [wow. another leap. going out on a crazy note, eh, Secret Life?] A psychiatrist tells him his bones can't be healed yet, but Jack doesn't believe him, of course. [plus, the whole "I gotta get back to football practice" thing doesn't mean as much if he's going into ministry, right?]

Tom wanted to have sex with Tammy, so he tells her she can move in with him and that he'd marry her. It doesn't work. In lecturing Tom, Kathleen begins to wonder if the only reason she is with George is because it's easy to go back to what you already know. [great point!] And, speaking of going back to what you know, George meets with David about Robbie's paternity... see, George took his own paternity test a while ago and knows he's NOT Robbie's biological father. But, he doesn't want David to be in control of Robbie, and that might be what's on the horizon. [dang. forget wrapping up everything neatly!]

RETURNING: Secret Life: Amy's Got a Dress...

Where to start? Well, I know that I'm going to miss this show when it finishes airing in a few months. I can't believe I ever got attached to this teen drama, but I think I just love the obscene number of characters who have more drama than I could ever imagine. And, speaking of drama, I really wonder what the point of having Amy buy that dress was... part of me wonders if it was for the simple reason that "#AmysDress" would surely get twitter in a twist? I'm struggling to think of another good reason - what do you think? And, more on Amy - I laughed pretty hard that she forgot she had a sister. I mean, can you really blame her? I think that Ashley was intended to be a popular character (remember when they released The Secret Diary of Ashley Juergens?), and it just didn't pan out... or India Eisley didn't love the work. Regardless, I anticipate seeing her return for an episode in this final stretch. Who I DIDN'T expect to see, however, was Chaz Bono. That cameo wasn't highly publicized, and I wasn't quite sure it was him at first, but I liked his appearance on this series, where every person has had a struggle in discovering who they are.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "To Each Her Own" (S05E13): Amy buys a $25 wedding dress at a thrift store that she loves, but Ricky doesn't like it, finding it dirty, ill-fitting, and ridiculous. [I liked the neckline. Also, this takes me back. I had a friend buy a wedding dress at a thrift store years ago, though it was for a joke-wedding.] Ricky offers to buy her a new dress, but Amy claims that's a waste of money. He begins wondering if Amy only bought it to try backing out of the wedding (Adrian thinks this, too). Amy stands up for it, saying it just needs to be cleaned and altered, but almost everyone else has a negative reaction. George and Willadeen like it, but Anne isn't so sure. Jack tells her that maybe she should choose something different and Grace calls it unique. Adrian says that re-wearing her dress would be better, and Omar actually recognizes the designer and thinks it'll work well. [whoa. I was pretty surprised that Omar knew the label!] Ricky and Chloe look at a cell picture of the dress, and Chloe questions whether Amy is actually already married. [hmmm...]

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Kathy is struggling to return to her hometown, but her parents don't want her to stay with her grandmother because she'll be around "bad influences" like Amy and Ethan. [I can see that.] Ethan wants to talk to Kathy's parents about it, so he asks Ricky for advice on how to play Margaret and Shaker. Shaker is much more open to it than Margaret, and he decides to let Ethan fly to Texas as a learning experience. [I was a bit dumbfounded on this one...] Kathy doesn't want him to, tho, but Ben supports the idea and drives Ethan to the airport at the last minute, telling him to fight for the love of his life. [more foreshadowing?] Ben even springs for a first-class upgrade for the two. [oh, that Sausage money. always helping out!]

And, speaking of Ben, Leo and Camille worry about Chloe, who hasn't been able to sleep much for years. [awww.] She's pretty worried about school as she's gotten two or three years behind, and she tells Leo that she doesn't believe Amy's married. Leo tries to get Ben out of the country after graduation, but he wants to be there for that wedding. [of course.]

Anne finds out that George ran into David a while back, and begins to wonder if Robbie is David's son, as David now has twins. David is curious, too, and wants a DNA test. [what's the point of this? I think there's already enough happening in Anne and George's lives!] 

Robbie returns a trophy to Clementine, as all it does is make Amy mad. [Clementine being in love with Ricky is funny to me. I guess not to her.]

Secret Life: Christmas Eve with Everyone

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

It's not even Thanksgiving and we're already having a Christmas episode? I find this particularly weird because the show hasn't been on since August and will not be on again until March. That said, it's a typical television Christmas episode. They somehow manage to get all of the main characters in, plus just about everyone else you can think of - except for Ashley, Jack and Adrian's parents, and Margaret and Shaker. Some characters have to get only a split-second of screentime, like Nora, Alice, Henry, and Mimzi, but everyone else is weaved in, and Kathy's baby's adoptive parents even turn out to be related to the woman who originally started leaving the toy store unlocked on Christmas Eve for "social services kids." It was all a bit too neat and tidy (Jack wakes up as a "Christmas miracle"), plus unbelievably timed (the power goes out just as Kathy arrives at the hospital ON CHRISTMAS EVE VIA DONKEY), but it was cute. Not worth adding to the yearly rotation or anything, but worth watching once. Actually, the more that I think about it, the biggest problem is that you probably won't fully understand the bulk of the episode if you don't already know the characters and their relationships. So, for a "Christmas special" of a television show that's airing completely outside of that show's season, I'm not sure if this was a great idea... there's certainly not a huge audience for that.  

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Hedy's Happy Holiday House" (S05E12): It's Christmas Eve and Ricky and Amy talk about their traditions. Ricky talks about how he and others in juvie used to "break-in" to a toy store every Christmas Eve to play with the toys and take something. The owners knew and would leave the doors unlocked. [this seems like the weirdest tradition EVER.] Ricky and Amy decide to drive down there with John, and Ricky convinces Amy to go inside, though she's afraid that they'll be arrested.

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Ricky calls Ethan to ask him to come on down in a Santa suit for John, and he brings Kathy, who is now nine months pregnant. Ethan can't get Kathy up onto the loading dock, so he calls Ben to get Dylan's number, as she might be able to help with the security system. But, Chloe (remember, Ben now has a foster sister) overhears and gets on the phone, talking about a hidden door on the side of the building. Leo comes in and hears Chloe talking about Hedy's, so he suggests she and Ben go down there so they can finish decorating the house and set-up some presents. [that seemed REALLY odd. what was Leo's plan to get them out of the house otherwise? I did like the truth about Camille's midnight dinner tradition coming out, though.]

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Grace is hoping that Jack will wake up for Christmas. She invites his friends to stop by, but only Clementine, Adrian, and Omar come. Clementine is heading over to Hedy's before the younger kids show up, and invites the others to come along. Adrian is interested only because it will get her out of seeing Omar's family on Christmas Eve for a bit longer. [who wants to blow off EVERYONE for Christmas??] They try to take Jack for a trip but are caught by a police officer who is interested in Clementine. When they get to Hedy's, Madison and lauren are also there, as per Amy's invitation. [I think this is awkward... NONE of these people have family obligations at 7pm on Christmas Eve??] But, Kathy announces that she's in labor, throwing everyone for a loop. Because the parking lot has those things that prick your tires if you go the wrong way, none of the cars can get out of the lot, and the ambulance can't find the location, as apparently there's no listing. [no listing AND nobody knows a nearby corner? I don't think so. Lauren and Madison had to get directions from Amy, so she must have paid attention to where they were!] So, they find a donkey in a stockyard and bring Kathy to the hospital on it... but the power is out when they arrive. [again, this is where television coincidences just become too unbelievable.]

When Chloe and Ben get home, Leo and Camille send them on treasure hunts to find their presents: Chloe gets a rescue kitten she names "Patches," and Ben gets a Mercedes that Alice and Henry picked out for him. PLUS, Alice and Henry get surprise cars from Leo and Camille, too. [I totally thought we were about to have a dream sequence or something... I know the man is loaded and that the trio have been friends for ages, but cars as Christmas gifts??] Over at the hospital, as midnight closes in, Jack wakes up. At first, nobody but Tom believes it, but later, when he offers Jack cookies, he comes to life again. [yeah, yeah. bet you could've guessed this!]  

Elsewhere, Anne, Mimzi, and Robbie show up at George's, where he and Kathleen had been romping around. Over at the butcher shop apartment, Ricky gets Amy a blue bicycle. Kathy gives birth and it seems that the baby will be named Hedy, after the adoptive father's aunt who owned the toy store.

Bonus: we see young pictures of the cast at Christmas. AND, we are left to ponder just how much time will pass on the show before we pick it back up again!

Secret Life: The Secret Lives of Pimps

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

WOW. I didn't like where the show was going with depicting a "pimp," but I certainly didn't expect Jack to wind up in the hospital with severe injuries because of the storyline! I'm not sure what this is going to mean for the future of this series, but I have a feeling that he'll pull through. I can only imagine the crazy amount of drama that Grace would create if he didn't! However, it's possible that, with all of the newer characters, the show needs to start writing off a few... and Jack ain't a bad place to start. Ben going to New York for school could ditch him, though he'd definitely be around now that he's about to have a foster sister. Ashley is pretty much gone for good, Dylan and her cohort are on the verge of extinction, and you never hear from Grant or Griffin (or half of the adults!) anymore. Problematically, we're being conditioned to hate Amy (and Adrian, to a certain extent), and I don't think we'll be ditching her. Who else do you think might be on the chopping block (or who would you LIKE to see on the chopping block!)?

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Property Not for Sale" (S05E09): Kathy and Ethan meet Jonathan and Sonya (the folks who will be adopting Kathy's baby), and Ethan starts out pretty rude. Kathy texts Amy to get Ethan out of there, and Amy pawns off the task on Ricky. [of course she did.] Ricky is irate at Ethan, saying he doesn't know when to shut up. [hahaha, back "the freak off" was so fake! and I'm surprised that we don't go back to the fact that Ricky pretty much said that if he had to do it over again, he wouldn't...] Because of how long this all takes, Ricky stays up all night at the library to work on a paper, which angers Amy. Amy is even more upset when she learns that Ricky stopped at the coffeeshop. [girl needs to relax!] 

After this, Kathy is no longer talking to Ethan, and Margaret lectures Ethan on leaving the house without permission (he's not allowed to see Kathy now) and for ruining the nights of quite a few people. [seriously! he made a wreck of things!] She also takes away his phone. At school, Kathy goes to Ethan, calls him a jerk, then holds his hand as they walk down the halls. [teenagers!]

A creep at the bookstore bothers Adrian, and she goes to the coffeeshop so she isn't alone - Clementine identifies him as a pimp who works deals on campus. Adrian tells Omar, who is shocked at how naive she is. [um. is this a newer thing? because I'm fairly positive that, ten years ago when I was in college, we didn't have this problem at my large state university...] The creep also stops by Jack's room in the athletic residence hall, inviting him to a party. But, when the quarterback declines, the punk sends a girl to Jack's room, and she needs $50 to end her night. She explains how pimps beat you if you don't meet your quota, and he's in the process of shelling out everything he has when the police enter. The story makes the front page of the paper, but Jack is portrayed as a savior and the girl is returned to her parents, thought some football players got suspended for being caught "doing business." 

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Henry tells Ben that he knows about him and Alice, and Dylan fins out, too. Ben goes to Alice to ask why she told Henry, and admits to her that he'd leave Dylan in a second for Amy. [noooo..... GET.OVER.HER!!!] Ben apologizes to Alice for taking advantage of her, then decides that he will go after Dylan alongside Henry (even though her parents won't allow her to see Ben). [how did Ben know Alice was in the restroom?] Ben then tells Amy that he needs to get over her.


The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Regrets" (S05E10): Now that Kathy broke up with Ethan, her two "friends" are after him. They lie to her and say that he isn't interested in her. but he calls her later and asks to talk to the adoptive parents again. [um, any way we can add Ethan to that chopping block??] Yet, that's not the only drama at school...  Wendy's dad pulled her out of school and doesn't want her hanging out with Dylan & Co. anymore. The rest of the girls worry that their parents will move them to all-girls' schools, too. [this is a pretty basic and boring plot point...]

Henry tells Ben that he was only dating Dylan to get back at Ben for sleeping with Alice. Ben got accepted to Hudson University in New York, but he'd rather go where Amy goes. But, lo and behold, Amy is also accepted to Hudson, which is a letter Ricky can't wait to open. [why was he so obsessed with not waiting mere hours??] Amy admits to Anne that she'd like to go to school there, but it's not in the cards. [though it would "off" her for the most part...] She's pissed that Ricky opened her mail, and he's pissed when Ben calls to share his own acceptance news. [sensible.]

Anne starts planning Amy and Ricky's wedding, with seven tables of seven people, planning for both she and George to bring dates. [whether the fact about the table arrangement will matter in the future, I'm not sure.] She's upset, though, that Mimzy is emailing and texting and tweeting about Anne's sexuality. [um, yeah!] A bunch of women show up at Anne's for an AA meeting, and Nora's sponsor flirts with Anne. [I know it's hard to meet people and all, but doesn't that hit a little close to home?] And, speaking of homes, Omar is moving into Adrian's condo, but he's planning to keep his apartment for a while, just-in-case. She doesn't like that idea, but he says that he wants a commitment from her if she's serious. They realize that they've been dating for five months now, which is longer than she was married to Ben. [ha!]

Leo and Camille get married with Nora and Ben as witnesses. But, when Leo is at school waiting for Katelyn to get Ben from class, he learns (through Kathy) that everyone at school knows Ben as a kid with a crazy obsession over an old girlfriend. Ben drags Henry and Alice out of class to attend as well. [um, how did they get to leave early?] We don't see the actual ceremony, but Ben presents the couple with a pizza before they head off for a night alone. Ben and Camille make up, but Leo and Camille keep it a secret that they're "expecting a daughter." [I didn't know what to make of this at first, but just hold on!]

The episode ends as the pimp comes into Jack's room, locks the door, and wields a baseball bat. [I'm so over Jack being compared to Tim Tebow!]

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Half Over" (S05E11) [Mid-Season Finale]: Jack was badly beaten and is in surgery, and Kathleen takes Grace to the hospital, with George and Tom following. Tom had Tammy spend the night in secret, and George tells him that if he's sneaking around, something isn't right. [I don't really like George being the "man" in Tom's life, but I don't have a better role model for him...] George sees David (remember him from a million years ago?) with two little girls, going to greet "grandma." [now what in the world was the point of re-introducing him??] Tom calls Betty, who knows the pimp but is afraid to say anything. [oh, yeah. Betty. this could be the end of her, though she hasn't been that annoying lately.] Adrian misses Mercy and reveals to Omar that she wants to both birth and adopt more children, and he draws an engagement ring with a marker. [... yeah, we'll need a miracle at this rate to ditch her!] Ben, on the other hand, isn't thinking about Mercy, his daughter... he's probably thinking about mercy, the sentiment, as Ricky threatens that he better leave the Underwoods alone. Just so I'm not leaving you hanging, the only other hospital scene occurs at the end of the episode, with Jack's parents coming into the waiting room and asking everyone to pray. [hypothesize at your own risk!]

Ethan is desperate for Ben's mentorship, but Ben still isn't interested. [how did Ethan get to school that early? I can't believe that Margaret would drop him off that far in advance...] Kathy wants the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room, but Ethan isn't a big fan of that idea. [though it's none of his business!] Kahy isn't sure if her parents will want to be in the room, but she'll be reunited with them soon enough, as she's planning to move back after she gives birth [that Ethan is getting possessive here! though he did seem sad to realize she'd be leaving before too long.] 

Amy and Ricky are having issues with lying to one another. [who did Ricky call with that weird message? George??] Amy tells Ben to leave her alone, and he tells her that he looked up marriage records online and knows that she's not really married. [yay! the truth will hopefully start to see the light soon!] He also tells her that he'll attend the second wedding but will be in the back of the church, there to catch her if she decides to run away. [oh geez. plant that foreshadowing...] It makes Amy want to get married immediately, but Ricky doesn't think it's a good idea. [you know, because it's not. also, how many people are now applying to college in the Spring semester of their Junior year instead of the Fall semester of their Senior year? is that a thing now?]

Now, the smaller stories... Willadeen, Nora's AA sponsor, slept over with Anne and they make plans to see one another again. Nora tells Anne a little of her sponsor's history, then tells her not to date the woman. [saw that coming!] Dylan and her friends decide to go to an all-girls' school together and she tells Ben that he didn't care enough about her. [eh.] Leo and Camille meet their (very grateful) foster daughter, Chloe, who is the girl Jack "saved" from the pimp.

Secret Life: Ben's Tirade, Amy's Sex Life, & More

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

Well, I whole-heartedly disagree with Ben. His belief that high school is the best time of your life couldn't be further from the truth, in my opinion. College was exceedingly superior to high school for me. I will admit that high school was WAY better than graduate school, but none of those periods compare to my mid-to-late twenties, so I've also never understood people who talk about college being the most fun they'll ever have. Anyway, that wasn't a very large portion of the episode, so I'll get off of my soapbox and move on... Is this whole fear that you suck at sex a thing for girls in high school? I've heard people in their twenties worry about it, but for seventeen-year-olds to think that they might be genetically predisposed to suck at keeping a man happy troubles me. And, the way things spread like wildfire on this show, Dylan, Alice, and Ashley (should she appear) will all be worried about it next episode, with maybe some random guy like Tom joining in the camp. Go ahead, tell me that's not what is going to happen. [I know it might not, but it seems soooo likely, ya know?]

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Setting Things Straight" (S05E08): Well, let's start by getting to Amy's issues. Because Clementine left her sweater at their apartment, Amy is paranoid that something is going on between the girl and Ricky. So, when she hangs out with Grace and Adrian later on and the conversation turns from her past wedding and her upcoming wedding to the girls' unfaithful partners. [I didn't like how much detail Adrian wanted on Rick & Amy's "wedding," but I got so angry at her when she suggested that Ricky isn't faithful to Amy!] Grace mentions that Jack is better than Daniel and Grant, and Adrian talks about how great in bed Ben is, but Omar is worth noting, too. Amy is happy having only been with Ricky, but the entire conversation makes her uncomfortable so she leaves, bumping into her dad on her way out.

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He sees that she's distressed so he invites her out to eat, canceling his plans with Kathleen to do so. [he was in Kathleen's driveway... why not go apologize in person??] Well, George gets to the bottom of Amy's problems: She's worried that she's genetically inferior, sexually. [hahahaha! these kids think EVERYTHING is in your DNA!] Grace worries the same thing, as Kathleen's been cheated on many times. [ridiculous! Is Adrian going to go talk to her parents about this, too??] Later, when Amy gets home, she tells Ricky that she's afraid that she'll wake up gay one day, and that's why she's "bad in bed." Ricky tells Amy that sex with her is different from his dozens of former partners - there's emotion and it's fun. [I don't know how I would take this, but it worked for Amy!] The next morning we learn that George told Ricky to play the jealousy card to boost Amy's confidence. [whaaaa? why would Ricky take a page from George's book??]

Now, let's move on to Ben... at school, he apologizes to Dylan, and she talks about how seriously Henry likes her. [would've been nice to see Henry this episode...] Dylan says that she wants to pursue Henry if she can't be with Ben. [because she's an attention monger.] Ben decides to start telling everyone in the hallway that life sucks, so Katelyn calls Leo. [that man must have a separate ringtone for calls from the school at this point...] Leo realizes that Amy is the cause of Ben's stress, as he's still hung up on her... and that it's his fault, as he was very encouraging when things began three years ago. Amy overhears some of this conversation but doesn't say anything to Leo, though she shares it with George. [um, I wonder what Ricky will think when he inevitably finds out?]

Okay, moving to the smaller storylines... At school, Ethan pretends he's Kathy's babydaddy to scare off a boy who was hanging around her. [why does Ethan talk about not being able to drive being the reason they're not dating? Teens can't ride together anyway in California.] Kathy invites Ethan to a meeting with the adoptive parents, but when he seems to intrigued, she calls it off, worried that he'll get too attached. [I also wish we were privy to this meeting...] Ethan goes to Ben for advice on dating a pregnant girl, but Ben doesn't want to mentor anyone, leading to his aforementioned tirade in the hallway. Amy tells Kathy that Ethan isn't going to be able to distance himself from the baby, but Kathy believes that she's different. Margaret gives Ethan similar advice, but Ethan is already too attached - he asks Margaret to consider taking in Kathy's child! [whoa!] 

At the college, Clementine confronts Jack about how he lied to her. Apparently, he gave her the "I'm falling in love with you" line to get her into bed, but it ended up being a one-night stand, deeply upsetting her. [and now we know why she left immediately last episode.] She gives him her background, part of which is that she got stuck in foster homes because her father kept sleeping around and neglecting her. After she leaves, Jack calls Grace, who quickly accepts him again. [I don't know about you, but I'm really coming around to despising Jack!]

Secret Life: The New Couple on the Block

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

Well, although Jack and Grace are back together, I'm not referring to them. And, though Ethan and Kathy are fairly together now, I'm not talking about them, either. Plus, Leo and Camille may be pseudo-engaged now, but it's another duo entirely who is on my mind... I'm talking about Dylan and Henry. While it was only meant to be a ruse, Henry decided to get serious about dating Ben's ex-girlfriend, and I think that Dylan might buy into it - even if she doesn't like him all that much, she is the attention-seeking type. Granted, as soon as things become bearable with Alice, Henry might switch his focus, but by the time that happens we'll be dealing with a better storyline elsewhere. I hope. Honestly, I'm not worried, but it's only a matter of time before I get tired of the Ricky-Amy mess with jealousy and fake marriage and half-complaining about having to raise a toddler. I mean, I know she's kinda the center of the show, but her arc is becoming garbage. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong...

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Girlfriends" (S05E07): [let's get back to the new couple in a bit, shall we?] Let's start with Amy... who feels alone because Madison and Lauren are kinda in a different stage of life. [preach it, sister!] Grace suggests that they do something together, but Amy claims she doesn't have time for friends. [...the exact opposite of what she just said. good job, Amy. not.] Grace suggests she come over, help with John, and bring Jack to chill with Ricky. Amy isn't thrilled but tells Ricky the plan - and he wants to invite Clementine over, too. [I think that kinda came out of nowhere, but whatever.] When Jack picks up Grace she springs the plan on him, and he's a bit hesitant. [...just why didn't she tell him at any earlier point in the day? that's the kinda plans change that would drive me up the wall!] Clementine arrives first, and tells Amy about how Ricky used to play baseball until he got kicked off a championship team for drawing naughty pictures on the bases. [the jokes of little "third base" sketches kinda disturbed me...] When Grace and Jack show up, Clementine leaves immediately, leaving Grace to deduce that she slept with Jack. [ahhhh! of course! why would this show have two characters know each other any other way??] Shortly thereafter, Adrian arrives, having found out about the "party" when Clementine busts up Adrian's flirting party at the coffeeshop. The only thing she really does is warn Amy that Clementine is after Ricky. [according to Adrian, who ISN'T after Ricky??] 

Amy isn't the only one having friend drama going on, though. Kathy doesn't really have any female friends so when two mean girls take an interest in her, she jumps at the chance to become friends, immediately inviting them to a sleepover. [the day they meet?? I call BS!] Not being accustomed to having friends, Kathy lets them tease Ethan. [while I probably allowed something similar to happen 13-14 years ago, I at least apologized to the boy. and what teenager has a ringtone that's a bunch of beeps??] Unfortunately, hours go by and Kathy's friends don't show up. [!!!] Fortunately, Kathy's grandmother calls Ethan to comfort her, but he can only stay a little while, as Margaret is in the driveway. [when are we going to find out how Margaret feels about Ethan dating a pregnant girl??] The mean girls do show up and start talking about everything they found out from googling her, and that's the end of that. [...what? I mean, I google people before I do interviews, but not when I'm becoming friends with them!]

Alright... let's move on to Ben & Co... Alice doesn't want to pretend to date Ben. [while I agree with her, I don't think that she was all that clear about her own reasoning.] Henry finds out that Alice and Ben have been intimate, so he becomes determined to actually "date" Dylan, laying out all of the maturity cards when he meets her parents. He destroys their movie plans by suggesting the family play board games, and when she questions his motives, he says that she's wasting her time on Ben and that he really does want to date her. A kiss confirms his statement... for now. 

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Ben apologized to Omar and everything got dismissed - they won't even have marks on their records. [while I didn't want to see either of them get dragged through the mud, I was disappointed that both of Ben's legal issues wrapped up off-screen and so quickly.] Omar tells Ben that he proposed to Adrian and she's been stalling. [I never see that happening... oh, and Katelyn is doing her makeup differently... makes her look older, I think.] Later, Ben tells Leo of his plans to hang with Alice (but really Dylan), but Leo puts a stop to that, claiming Dylan's dad called to find out more about Henry, so he figured out the ploy. Ben is sent to his room without his phone and Leo calls Alice... it turns out that Leo bluffed to Ben about Dylan's dad - it was Alice who told him what was going down! [doesn't it make you sick that the worst punishment these days is having your phone taken away??] Later that night, Ben tells Leo that he and Camille aren't compatible and that if she could get pregnant, she would've trapped him by now. [what a horrendous thing to say! we have no reason to believe Camille would do that!] Leo suspects Ben is drunk, but after he says that he's sober, Camille slugs him in the face and Leo laughs. Leo proposes and Camille accepts. [another wedding for Leo? ...really? I bet Betty's gonna go crazy!]

Secret Life: Before, During, and After Church

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

When there was a knock at Adrian's door, I was almost positive it was going to be Ben... ready to move into the condo to try subverting his father's rules about not dating Dylan while under his roof. This probably would have been a much better idea than allegedly dating Alice while Dylan pretends to date Henry... there's no way that would be believable more than twice. Ben aside, though, some other strange things took place this episode. For instance, Ethan and Kathy... what, exactly, are we supposed to believe that the BadBoyVirgin sees in the PregnantFreshman? And how many different cars can we see two teenagers "hang out" in during a single episode? At least they finally kissed once! In another case, while it was nice to see the focus on sexuality relax, how big is racism about to get?? Adrian's question to Omar, "how did you grow up with pigmentation and trust in the system?" makes me worry just a bit. What makes her say that? Growing up with an absent father and an often-away mother, it's not like the girl saw legal issues in her family. So why bring it up? So it can become an issue, I'm guessing. Secret Life, we know you've beaten the pregnancy horse, the teen sex horse, and the fragmented families horse, but please stop with the sexuality and racism before you're in too deep.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Holy Roller" (S05E06): Ethan is out with Kathy (just sitting in Margaret's car), telling a story about a time his dad accidentally stabbed him in the leg. [you know, so we remember that he's not just a thief in foster care, he's a troubled thief in foster care.] He also shares that his mother left one day "to get frozen peas" and never came back. [double-troubled, got it.] Kathy tells him that she doesn't want something like that for her daughter, and that she'd prefer to never see her again than be a disruption around holidays and birthday. [I can completely see that point.] We also learn that Kathy and her BabyDaddy met at the state spelling bee. [to prove that even smart kids make mistakes.] Margaret comes out and tells them that they can't be alone in her car, then invites Kathy to join Ethan, Amy, and Ricky the next morning, not explaining what the occasion is. She's reluctant but goes for it. [I would have never trusted someone's mom like that when I was in high school...] Ethan and Kathy re-establish that they're "just friends" by not kissing.

The next morning, EVERYONE is in church. Yep, we have drifted Kathleen, not-interested George, wanting-it-to-be-over Tom, excited Grace, Buddhist Alice, Catholic Henry, wanting-to-impress-everyone Ben and Adrian, guest organist Ethan (whose experience includes a hockey game), accepting Ricky, hesitant Kathy, ever-angry Amy (pissed that George and Adrian are in the sanctuary), along-for-the-ride Omar, and the tardy Jack and Madison. Grace flips upon seeing Madison, screaming "what the hell is she doing here??" while Ethan tries to play "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" but it turns into some seventh-inning-stretch music. [disaster all around. but I liked it.] Grace then storms out, with Kathleen and George following her, making Amy feel loved even less. After church, Jack's dad tells him to apologize to Grace, ask her to take him back, and to stop pressuring her to have sex. [just laying it all out there!] So, Jack goes to Kathleen to talk about proposing to Grace, but she says that they both need to grow up some more before making such a mature decision. [Kathleen is such a liberal in this moment! but man, the last thing this show needs is ANOTHER engagement!] Jack then tells Grace that he brought Madison to church because he wanted to make Grace as crazy as he is. They make up, but it's not clear whether they're back together. [I'd bet on it coming, though. and probably aiding in the Ben/Dylan/Henry/Alice shenanigans...] Across town, Ricky tells Shaker that they don't want a big wedding. Amy then tries to tell Margaret the same, but it ends up more as a "I don't want two weddings, but I can't tell you or my mom not to throw one." Problem-solving Margaret decides that she'll talk to Anne, so Amy has to explain a little more, ultimately saying that she doesn't want Anne at her wedding because she "isn't the mom she grew up with." [oooooh.... rough!] 

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Later, when Ricky and Amy get home, they talk to George, who has watched the DVD of their failed elopement. [even if you borrow your daughter's laptop without asking, what would make you decide to run a DVD that was in there??] He doesn't let on that he knows, though he does question them a little more than normal. After church over at Adrian's, Omar's mother comes to the door, just "making rounds" in the neighborhood. [no.way.is.this.believable!] She invites them to attend her church in the future, or really any meal, so she can get to know Adrian. She even suggests that "Gay Grace" might be a match for Omar's sister, Janie. [hmmm. not only will that last part not fly, but I was kinda happy about Adrian and Omar not being together anymore. Something tells me they're inching back together anyway.]

Elsewhere, Leo tells Ben that he will not be allowed to date Dylan while he lives there. At the same time, Dylan relentlessly begs her father to let her see Ben again. Luckily, Dylan's mother caves when Ben phones and asks for one more chance. [while I can't promise that I won't do similar things with my kids when their father has a different perspective, I'm sick of it with this girl.] Well, the conversation goes that Dylan could pretend to date Henry and Ben could pretend to date Alice, when they'd really be together. Ben immediately buys it and clues in his pals. [no, Henry, no! stop!]

Secret Life: Grace Jealous, Ben Innocent, Others at College

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

I went to a (large) state school. Of the 191 kids in my graduating HS class, probably 30 went to the same place. Of those, probably 7-8 were people I would have considered "friends." In my eight semesters of undergrad, I had two classes with any of them (one a coincidence in a science lab, the other because we had the same major), aside from the "Honors Colloquium" that all first-year students in the Honors program had to take, thus lumping about 10 of us together in a room of 500 or so. [I did take a class with another kid from HS, but we never spoke to one another.] On television, it never works this way. Boy Meets World had the whole gang taking classes together, and hardly even touched on the fact that any of the kids actually had majors. Saved by the Bell did a little better, with the kids only having some classes together. Beverly Hills, 90210 failed miserably - all the kids took classes together AND lived together (except Andrea, who was pre-med and had a scholarship room on-campus, though through sorority pledging and a feminism class, the show still managed to keep her in the loop). Well, I had hoped that Secret Life would be different... I'm not sure why I thought that would happen. Jack, Adrian, and Ricky all have the same English Literature class. It has not yet been revealed what other similarities in scheduling might occur, but you can probably bet that this isn't the only time the three will run into one another. I just find it so incredibly improbably that it annoys me to no end. /rant

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Past History" (S05E05): Ricky tells Amy that she needs to get over her issues of being around gay people, but Amy claims that her only issue is that she doesn't think her mother is set in her sexuality, so she doesn't want Anne to have a female companion in all of Amy & Ricky's wedding photos when she might "turn back" to men later. [now, maybe I'm in a difference mindset, but I wouldn't allow either of my parents to only have a "date" in the official photos. I could see pictures with just George and Anne, but there's no reason to include others, IMO. of course, I might be influenced by the fact that my father didn't attend my wedding and my mother didn't bring a date, but I've been to several others where the official photos are "family only" anyway.] John opened up the envelope from Mimzi so Ricky and Amy now have $1,000 in cash. Amy is jealous that Ashley was given ten times that amount, but Ricky doesn't think it matters and that they need to return it ASAP, as Mimzi isn't well. [good point. for being such a "bad boy" in the early episodes of this series, Ricky has turned out to be such a goody-goody!] Ricky also doesn't want a joint account with Amy because she doesn't pay attention to her actions. [I see this becoming an issue sooner than later!] Amy takes the money with her to deposit after school anyway... but her purse isn't in her locker at the end of the day so she files a police report. Turns out, Madison found it and dropped it off at Ricky and Amy's apartment, and Ricky isn't even that angry that she almost lost all that money. [why wouldn't Madison have texted Amy to tell her? that seems completely out-of-character. also, why wasn't Ricky upset AT ALL??]

At school, Ethan goes to hit on Kathy but stops when he finds out that she's pregnant. Grace then meets her and immediately begins talking up Jesus. [of course. ::eye roll:: what does everyone think about Grace's regression, by the way?] Grant shows up and takes Grace away from Kathy, and Grace is immediately upset that the MedCamp students got to spend a week touring colleges and that they've been offered full scholarships and the chance to finish high school in January.

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When Amy gets to school, Kathy calls her a lousy mentor, then says that she has no friends. [Kathy is getting really annoying, don't ya think?] Amy tells her that it was nice to have Ben when she was pregnant, which encourages Kathy to talk to Ethan. [wrong advice this time, Amy!] Amy immediately panics and tries to get her to focus on school instead, but things are in motion, as evidenced by Ethan asking Madison for some tips to use around "experienced" girls. [Madison playing the dummy/wannabeslut is also getting old.]

Dylan tells Ben that she told the detectives that the gas line must have been faulty and that they were only in the school because she was trying to convince her then-boyfriend to transfer. She also said HE lit the burner but SHE turned it off. Her friends then threaten him for getting her into trouble. [it makes me laugh pretty hard for them to not think she's one iota of trouble!] Luckily, Leo finds out that the gas lines were running too close to the electrical lines, so Ben is off the hook legally, but Leo grounds him from pretty much everything but Henry (who also knows about the fire now) and Alice. Ben tells Leo about sleeping with Alice, so Leo grounds him from them, too... until the school board matter is resolved, at least. [dang. forgot about Ben sleeping with Alice AND that this school board matter will carry on a while longer.] Ben had made a deal with God that he'd start going to church if he didn't go to jail, but Leo doesn't seem to think that matters too much, so it doesn't look like he'll be leaving the house for services, either. [let's hope that Ben gets things turned around soon... not that I see him running off to the Ivy Leagues, but you never know.]

On his first day of college, Ricky runs into Clementine, a girl he knew when he was a foster kid. He immediately tells Amy, as he's afraid that something will go wrong somewhere. And, of course, it probably will... Adrian sits at the coffeeshop all day to try and get chummy with Clementine. [what kind of name is that, anyway? glad the girl saw through Adrian, though!] 

Margaret goes to have lunch with Nora and tell her about the big party plans, but Nora brings up the fact that Anne is also planning an extravaganza. Nora jumps on board with Margaret because there are elephants involved. [that's my kind of reasoning!] Margaret gets Nora talking so she's now in on the fire story.. [um, I thought we were wrapping that up? Why even get Margaret involved?] Meanwhile, at school, Madison and Lauren are trying to throw their party first, even though Amy repeatedly says that she doesn't want any parties. [she reallly needs to get over that!] But, drama soon prevails, and we find out that Madison is still hung up on Jack, and is thinking of sticking around for college based on that, rather than going off to a "fancy school." [not that I see Madison getting into a "fancy school" anyway.]

More adults... Anne has left for Italy with Robbie. [basically so we don't have to address her for a few episodes, right?] Kathleen asks George to help her take down her kitchen wallpaper, then asks if he's serious about her, as she's now divorced. [that was quick! I often wonder if the writers had planned for that to be a short marriage when Kathleen first recovered from grieving over her first husband...] He says that he's serious, learns that there's no update from Jacob, and then has to placate Grace because she's upset that "her father's wallpaper" is being torn down. George suggests that Grace and Jack decorate her "place" as something they can do together, and she goes for it. While over there, Jack confesses his love and lust for Grace, who decides to think about re-establishing their relationship. [I've got nothing for these two. let's get more Tom in here!]

Secret Life: Four Weddings and a Confession

by Amy K. Bredemeyer

Doesn't George work anymore? You never hear about the furniture store and never see him anywhere but his house or Kathleen's. That's a minor nitpick, though. Surely Adrian will have more to say as things start going crazy... between her old boytoy faking a wedding and her ex-husband going on trial for arson, I kinda think the girl is gonna lose it. I'm not sure what she's going to do, but I'm thinking that drug addiction could suit her well. Plus, it'll give recommitted Grace quite a bit to work with, in the event that she has time left from all of the work she's trying to do with Jack. And, of course, the time she'll be at church, since I imagine that will be the main place we see her in the future - except, of course, lecturing Kathleen and George. Back on the main storyline (well, I see Ben's as bigger than Ricky's and Amy's, you might disagree), I'm surprised that Ben didn't talk to Alice before jetting off to Ruben. Then again, I can't believe that he gave in and started talking, either... 

The Secret Life of the American Teenager "Lies and Byes" (S05E04): Ricky doesn't want to keep up the charade that he and Amy are married, but she is convinced that it's the only choice. She manages to win him over by allowing him to choose when and where they get married "next time." [why not just run down to the courthouse and finalize things?] It's only a matter of time, however, until things begin to unravel... especially because there are no fewer than FOUR receptions in the works!

Madison and Lauren want to throw a party for Amy and Ricky, but wanted Anne's blessing before making arrangements. [that's probably about as thoughtful as we've ever seen Madison!] But, Anne tells them that she and George want that honor, even though George kinda paid for the first "wedding" and doesn't plan on giving them another. When Anne talks to her daughter, however, Amy shoots down the offer, claiming that Ricky does not want a celebration. Anne decides to confront Ricky directly, so she heads to the butcher shop. Imagine her surprise when, after giving a spiel about how she still regrets her own mother missing her nuptials, Ricky tells her to plan anything she wants. Then, the truth comes out: Amy doesn't want a party because she doesn't want her newly-gay mother at the event. [hopefully we address this soon, because I'm getting really irritated with the level of homophobia this show contains.] Well, even if Amy manages to talk Anne out of it, it won't matter much... three other parties are in the works. Madison and Lauren (who are dressed like it's 1993 for some reason) still want to throw a party. Margaret and Shaker want to throw something, too... she was thinking a 50-person dinner party but Shaker has a 500-person extravaganza, complete with driving out Margaret's family from New York, and maybe even his own from India. [I'm not sure WHY this show feels the need to emphasize the fact that people elope, but we learn that Shaker's mother wasn't at his wedding, either.] Oh, and Nora is looking to have something very small, like a dozen people in a restaurant with salad and cake. [poor Nora. woman wants to try but has nothing to work with. hopefully she'll team up with someone, LoL!] 

Grace shows up at Jack's football practice... to witness to him. [oh geez.] She tells him that she's talked to his coach and there's no problem with Jack being more "Christian," though Jack claims that he's not (a) Christian. [something tells me that his dad (the minister) is going to get involved pretty quickly...] Then, Grace then shows up at the college bookstore to talk to Adrian, apologizing for their last interaction and suggesting that she accompany her to church. [Grace has no qualms about waltzing around a college campus? where is she parking?] Grace then fills in Adrian about Omar's pending case, so Adrian heads over to the school with tacos. Omar doesn't want to talk to her, especially as Adrian begins to crack and suggest some lies. [Kaitlin was weird here, I thought.]

Ben goes to talk to Ruben about the fire situation, but Ruben wants to focus on the Omar thing instead. Ruben wants Leo there but Ben pushes the fact that he's supposed to handle this on his own. [who wants to bet that this is about to go south??] Ruben tells him not to confess, but Ben starts talking, so Ruben has to call for a detective... and Ben has to get a public defender because Ruben can't represent him. Well, she's young and he doesn't trust her, so they have trouble right off the bat. While they're in the office, Adrian shows up to have tacos with Ruben, and is shocked to learn about the fire situation. [I guess Ruben didn't think it was wrong to tell Adrian because the kids usually know everything about everything?]

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That night, Dylan's friends learn about her possible connection to the fire. [well, I guess there's no more trying to keep this under-wraps at all!] And, over at Leo's, Camille wants him to help Ben, but when Ben comes in to talk about his day, Leo just gets angry that in Ben's retelling of that fateful evening's events, he left out Dylan. [these are moments where I hate Ben. LoL.]

Elsewhere, across town, Ashley left letters for George, Anne, and Toby, saying that she left for Italy, so they spend the better part of a day trying to figure out how she got the money to get there. Turns out, Mimzi sent her $10,000. George wants to jet off after her but Anne isn't worried and thinks that there is no point. Also, Mimzi sent a small package to Amy, but she doesn't want to open it, fearing another strange gift of socks. [...and that's about to be the mistake of a lifetime...]